


Sometimes Logic Isn't Right

by lorderagon



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: First Time, Hurt Kirk, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Pon Farr, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-14
Updated: 2017-12-20
Packaged: 2018-06-08 10:07:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 31,553
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6850375
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lorderagon/pseuds/lorderagon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kirk is abused and raped by a fellow classmate. His only friend is Dr. McCoy "Bones", and his abuser. Enter Spock. The quiet, seemingly emotionless, Vulcan who lives on campus. Sparks fly, love builds, and suspicion and betrayal are at every turn.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Spock may be a little out of character. Everytime I read through this I always want to change him and make him more Vulcan like if you will, but it just seems right the way it is written now. All mistakes are my own. I tried to fix them but might have missed them.

When Spock had been younger, his mother told him about the illogical Terran Myth called Love at First Sight. She had used the term in explaining her attachment to his father, but like many Vulcan's he never believed it to be true. Even though she insisted to this day that it did happen. His father had explained that that was merely the physical attraction between humans, and sometimes they were mentally compatible as well. Logically, he liked his father's answer over his mother's.

But like so many other things in the universe, sometimes logic just has nothing to do with it, and he discovered that his Mother was indeed correct.

It was like any other day at the Starfleet Academy. He was in the science building late at night like he always was, working on one project or another. What wasnt like any other day was humans arguing back and forth, followed by a very human yell, and then several human grunts after that. Getting up to investigate, he found two human males engaged in coitus. At first, he logically leaped to the conclusion that they were trying to be adventrous and thought the science labs would be empty. That was until he saw the eyes of one staring straight at him over the other's shoulders. The one staring at him was propped up on a desk, and the other was facing away from Spock. With his sharp eyesight he could see blood dripping to the floor where their bodies were joined.

In the dim light he could also see that the eyes were orbs of royal blue, much like the skies of Vulcan. The huamn's hair were the red brown that matched the sands of his cherished home world as well. The only problem was, they were dead. Completely void of emotion that he would normally see during an act such as this. Something primal, and full of emotion broke loose inside Spock. Before he knew it, he was pulling one Gary Mitchell off the other man, and throwing him like a rag doll across the room. The other human screamed out as the act hurt him, but Spock quickly lifted him into his arms. He was careful not to touch any of the exposed flesh for fear of hurting the man or mentally violating him. He had been violated enough for one night.

"Commander..." The human said in a disturbingly distant voice. Spock didn't answer, and carried the human to a cabinet to retrieve a blanket. Wrapping his load up tight, he exited the lab and started to make his way to his home. "Payment for silence." The human murmured brokenly from inside the bundle. Spock's heart ached at that. Was the human thinking Spock was going to use him for sex too? Spock would never in regular circumstances.

Once he arrived to his modest dorm room, he laid the catatonic human down on his bed before moving to the bathroom to turn on the bath. Once he returned, he found the man naked, and up on his knees and hands. His backside was perfectly visible, and it made Spock's stomach twist painfully. Blood ran from the human's anus, and his back, arms, and neck were littered with bruises, bite marks and scratch marks. Idly, he wondered if only Gary had been using this man or if others were too.

"No." Spock commanded sharply. Some primal need inside Spock was telling him to claim this human. Show him love, and make him come as many times as possible. Logically, he knew it would be rape at this stage. The human just rolled over, rubbed at his barely engorged dick, and started to finger himself.

"Cost of silence." He said back to the Vulcan. "I'm all ready for you baby." His tone was dead, and it felt like nails on a chalk board to Spock's ears. He could hear the human's breathe hitching in pain at fingering himself. Trying to look desirable to Spock. He would've been desirable if he weren't so emotionally dead.

"Go to the bathroom, and clean yourself up." Spock commanded, and pointed to the bathroom. The human ceased all movement, and stared at him before getting up to do just that. As soon as the door closed, Spock stepped across the room in three long strides to the human's discarded clothes. He searched the pockets and came up with a credit chip. Almost as good as an ID. He noted that the man's clothes were that of a cadet, and knew he could indeed press not only criminal charges, but a court martial to Cadet Mitchell. He moved over to his computer and in seconds had all the Academy information on one James Tiberius Kirk.

In the command program, with a minor in engineering. Excellent scores in classes if he made it to class. Living in the same dorm room with one Doctor Leonard McCoy. He picked up his paDD and sent a video link to the doctor.

"Jim!" The doctor answered, but quickly scowled when he saw who was calling him instead. "Commander." He addressed surly.

"Doctor, I require your assistance." Spock said formally. McCoy scowl etched deeper, and he opened and closed his mouth several times.

"At this hour?" He finally settled on. His drawl was full of malice that Spock couldn't begin to fathom he earned from the doctor. Most people knew Spock only in passing, and this particular human knew him from a class he'd taught for a semester. He had been quite upset with the A- he received, and felt he should've been granted an A+.

"It concerns your roommate." Spock said in his usual emotionless and clinical tones. McCoy sat forward at that, and all malice washed away from his face only to be replaced with concern.

"Is he alright?" McCoy yelled into the comm.

"He is catatonic, and injured. Please come to my room quickly. I have sent him in to clean himself up." Logically he shouldn't have, and allowed the doctor to take samples of the crime, however Spock knew that his own account of what happened would carry enough weight with the finally Judgement.

"He's alone in the shower?" McCoy asked suddenly. Spock nodded, and McCoy started to spit into the camera screen. "You have to go to him now. You have to stop him!" With that Spock was up and running to the bathroom. The door was locked, but was too puny for Vulcan strength. He entered the room, and found Kirk trying to hold himself under the water. Spock pulled him kicking and screaming out of the blood soiled water. He pulled the distraught man hard against his chest, and sank to the floor with him. The human was sobbing hard against his shoulder, and trying to speak, but failing.

"Shh." Spock cooed to him. He kissed his forehead, his cheek, and finally his lips before pulling away. He hadn't realized he was doing it but the electricity shooting through him at the contact made him all too aware. The human quieted, and just shook in his arms. McCoy burst through Spock's door seconds later, and yelled to them both.

"In here." Spock answered, looking down into the royal blue eyes that were slowly coming back to life.

"Jim!" McCoy exclaimed as he pulled the human into his arms and effectively out of Spock's.

"Bones." Kirk mumbled as he burrowed against his friend.

"What happened, Jim?" Bones said to him. Spock watched feeling like a peeping tom on an intimate moment. Were they lovers?

"Nothing." Jim answered.

"Goddammit, Jim." McCoy shaking his friend. Kirk wouldn't meet his eyes, and just curled in on himself. "You cant protect him anymore. You cant keep doing this to yourself." McCoy pulled Jim against his chest again, and the human just sighed. He looked over at Spock, and gave him a look that said 'Give us a moment.' Spock nodded, stood, and left the bathroom.

He seated himself at his computer and started to type up his report of the events of the evening. In the comments section he noted Kirk's lack of willingness to report the incidents, yes there were several apparently, and that Leonard McCoy knew something about the whole thing. Just as he hit the send button, and the report whisked away to Captain Pike, there was a yelp, a curse and then silence. He turned just in time for the doctor to poke his head out the door.

"You, Hobgoblin." He addressed. Spock lifted his eyebrow at that.

"I am not short, green, and ride around on a crude hovercraft." Spock replied. McCoy almost smiled.

"Come lift Jim. He's heavy." McCoy replied abrasively. Spock stood and walked into the bathroom to find Kirk passed out on the floor. Aside from his hair, he was dry, and the bath was draining of its water.

"I got to take photos before I can regenerate the tissue." McCoy said almost offhandedly. Spock picked up the human, and carried him tenderly into the next room where he set him gently on the bed. McCoy was right behind him, and started to take the photos as soon as Spock was out of the way. Spock busied himself with making tea, and just got the cups on the table when McCoy finished up. He pulled a bottle of whiskey and poured some in his cup, stirred, and chugged before he even looked willing to speak.

"Do you always take photos, Doctor?" Spock asked as he watched McCoy fill up the cup with the alcohol again.

"Yes." McCoy answered sharply, and almost defensively. Spock was curious as to why McCoy was sharing answers. Didn't he know he was accessory after the fact?

"How many times as this happened?"

"This would make it 15 over the last year and a half." McCoy answered in the same way. "I keep telling him to get help, and even reported it once, but Jim didn't own up to it. That asshole has something over him, and I don't know what it is." McCoy threw back the cup and poured himself another one. Spock watched as he sipped at his own beverage.

"I reported it to Captain Pike." Spock told the doctor.

"Let me know how that goes for you." McCoy replied demurely. "He wont fess up to it."

"There will be no way around it." Spock replied in kind. "It will be my word against his."

"You misunderstand. Jim wont fess up to it. He'll just say it was consensual. Case dismissed." Spock believed that Pike would never allow this continue. Not with Spock's eye witness account, and the photos McCoy could provide. Not with the suicide attempt. His paDD chimed, and he opened the message.

'Bastard in custody. Was still passed out on the floor, pants open, and blood on him.' The message from Pike read.

"They have taken Gary into custody already." Spock said softly. McCoy froze with a look of shock, and his cup was held halfway to his mouth.

"When I reported it, they waited 12 hours before questioning him." McCoy said softly. Spock nodded.

"Captain Pike was friends with George Kirk. I believed this will be personal for him too." McCoy threw back his cup again, and turned to look at Kirk's sleeping form.

"Maybe he will finally get some help. Can we sleep here? Jim needs someone to sleep with him otherwise it'll just be worse."

"Ill sleep with him." Spock answered much to his surprise and McCoy's.

"No offense, but that'll make it worse too." McCoy answered. He stood, and went over to climb into bed with Kirk. Instantly the man curled up against the doctor, and almost purred. Spock had to work hard to stop a primal growl working its way up his throat. Mine, his mind supplied. Quickly he banished those thoughts, and busied himself with cleaning up Kirk's clothes before retiring to the guest bedroom.  
~~~~~  
The next morning, Kirk awoke to someone else's room, but Bone snoring lightly beside him. He looked around the room, and tried not to think about what happened last night. He stopped dead when he spotted Commander Spock seated at the table. The Vulcan seemed to be frozen in time with a steaming cup of tea in front of him. The hair and ears brought memories of soft brown eyes, and a firm, gentle, and loving kiss. He buried his face in his hands as he remembered looking over Gary's shoulder at the Vulcan. The incredible Vulcan strength as he tossed Gary across the room. His savior, he knew, had already reported it. Damn Bones and his stupid Hypos. Now he couldn't fulfill his dream of being a Captain of a ship.

His moan of distraught brought those soft brown eyes to him, and he couldn't help but keep his eyes on the floor. Too ashamed of himself to look his savior in the face. Spock stood, and made his way over to Kirk, who shifted away from him, effectively colliding with Bones. McCoy sat up, groaned, growled something that sounded like a curse, and disappeared from the room. Probably to the bathroom. Spock seated himself on the edge of the bed, and kept his eyes on the human.

"Good morning, Cadet." He greeted softly. Coaxing Kirk to speak. All Kirk could manage was a nod. "How are you feeling?" He asked. Kirk just shook his head. Spock was being so kind to him, and he had no idea that Kirk was not worth it. "Are you feeling unwell?" Kirk shook his head again which earned him a raised eyebrow. McCoy came back out of the bathroom, and sat down at the table.

"He wont speak to you." He drawled. His accent was thicker due to the lack of sleep. Spock turned his raised brow to the doctor instead who was engaged with the replicator for a cup of joe. "He doesn't feel he's worth your kindness. Probably wont for awhile yet." McCoy threw over his shoulder, and around several curses. Spock stood and saved the poor machine from the agitated doctor. "He reported it, Jim. There is no getting out of it this time." Kirk shook his head, felt the silent tears begin to pour down his face, and wanted nothing more than to hide away from this humiliation. This was it. If he confessed he would no longer be able to afford Starfleet. His one true dream. To prove he wasn't the trash his step father made him believe he was.

"Goddammit, Jim! What is so damn important that brought you to this?" McCoy started out this way every morning after. Hoped that he would finally let down his shields enough to tell him. Jim didn't answer though. He never did, and McCoy knew he was stubborn enough that he was never going to.

"I swear to you, that Gary Mitchell will no longer be a problem." Spock said softly. Kirk didn't look at him, and merely flinched at his soft candor. How easy was it to this Vulcan to promise to throw away Kirk's life. He felt relief and resentment to the Vulcan. How little the Alien knew.

Spock watched the whole thing, and had to control himself. Had to physically stop himself from going to Kirk and kissing him. Showing him that he was worth something. Which was Illogical because he just met this human last night. He knew nothing about him but he knew the feeling his human was going through. His whole life the Vulcans of his home world had treated him like he wasn't good enough because of his human blood. His mother was the only one to tell him otherwise. He didn't speak to Kirk as he dressed, and left the room with the doctor in tow. He didn't chase after him as he knew he should. He just went about his day like normal as the human that reminded him so much of Vulcan filled his thoughts.  
~~~~~  
True to his word, a week later Gary was kicked out of Starfleet and sent to prison. Ten years of the man's life, and marked as a sex offender. They didn't bother to have Kirk testify. He told Pike to shove it the moment he was called into his office. Pike took it with a shrug and sent him on his way. He went out to the bar and got drunk. Got into a bar brawl. McCoy came and picked him back up again. Still he didn't speak of what was to come. As the semester came to an end, he started to pack his things. Knowing that he would be soon sent away for lack of payment. McCoy and him got into a fight about it. Kirk wasn't telling, and McCoy was doing too much talking to try and help his friend.

The days passed in a dull blur, and the new semester came without a notice of non payment. Kirk thought it was odd, but couldn't bring himself to check into it. Afraid that it would draw attention. Slowly things got better. He showed up to class more regularly, and got less drunk. McCoy and him could finally talk without it turning into an argument. McCoy still slept with Kirk because the nightmare's were still ever present. Everything seemed to be getting better. The colors of the world were less gray, and the days no longer blurred together. There weren't whispers of Gary's leaving like he expected there to be. There weren't whispers of him being useless like he definitely thought there would be.

Then one day, Kirk was hauled kicking and screaming back into Pike's office. The Vulcan, that Kirk learned was Commander Spock, was there, and so was McCoy. Kirk stood in the center of the room, head ducked, and arms held stiffly at his sides. Defensive, Spock thought. Defensive of what? He wondered.

"Jim, we've asked you here, because Commander Spock has brought to my attention that you excel at chess, and would like to extend to you the opportunity to help lead the chess club." Kirk looked up at Spock at that. When had he seen him play chess? Was he watching him? Was this some sort of sick game to see if Kirk would lose it? Was the Commander disappointed that Kirk was still around after he tried to get him kicked out? His head was swimming with all this inner turmoil, and his fists clenched tight enough for the nails to dig into his palms.

"He saw us playing yesterday in the park." Bones supplied, as if reading Kirk's mind. Well, they have been close to married couples lately. Just not any sex. Wouldn't be too far of a leap to say McCoy was in fact reading his mind.

"Yes." Spock answered as if he and McCoy were giving each other ques. "I watched as you destroyed the Doctor's defense within seconds." Kirk looked back at McCoy who was looking like he was stopping himself from touching Kirk. Kirk was on high alert right now, and if he were to be touched he'd lash out.

"Bones is shitty at chess." Kirk answered sharply. "It proves nothing." The three men before him looked at each other before looking back at Kirk.

"Well good, then you wont mind playing Commander Spock so he can better access your skill?" It was asked like a question but Kirk heard the 'not an option' anyway. He glowered as he sat opposite of Spock. The Vulcan set up the chess board and pieces, and offered him to go first. Without thinking he moved a piece. To get out of this he would just not try to play. That way Spock would conclude he sucked, and leave him be. Spock stared at the piece for a second, cocked an eyebrow, and moved his own piece. Kirk's hand shot out and moved another piece without thinking. His leg was wiggling violently, and he wanted nothing more than to climb under a rock right now. Still the eyebrow was raised, and Spock moved a piece just as fast as Kirk did.

They matched each other piece for piece. Spock never taking more time than Kirk did to move a piece. By the end, Kirk realized what Spock did.

"Checkmate." Spock whispered, as he knocked over his own king. Kirk uttered a 'huh' and looked at the board. Sure enough, his queen, and rook had Spock's king dead locked. Spock purposely followed Kirk's lead in order to push Kirk to win the game. The game was based off logic and instinct. Only one of which a Vulcan could grasp. Unwittingly, he beat the intelligent Vulcan.

"You did that on purpose." Kirk said softly, still staring at the board.

"Are you implying I allowed you to win?" Spock countered. Kirk nodded. "Illogical. There would be no point." They stared at each other for a time before Pike spoke up.

"Well, that settles that. Jim, welcome to the chess club." Kirk was out the door before Pike could finish.

That night McCoy entered their dorm, and found Kirk buried under all the blankets in the entire room. He moved over to the heap and sighed heavily.

"Jim." He said shaking what he was thinking was Kirk's torso. The bundle moved slightly, and McCoy had to dig to find his friend. "Come on, Darlin'." He mumbled. After a lot of coaxing, Kirk's face was barely visible under the blankets. "There you are." He smiled one of his rare smiles, and caressed Kirk's face with his hand. "Why are you hiding, Jimmy?" He asked softly. Kirk tried to hide again, and McCoy's hand was still on his face.

"I don't understand what's up with that Vulcan." He choked. He wasn't crying, yet. Honestly, Bones hoped he wouldn't. For all his brashness, he still had a soft gooey center, and crying just melted his hard exterior facade.

"He likes you." Bones replied softly. Kirk shivered at that. How can anyone like him? He, who was a pitiful excuse for a human being. "Give him a chance? Maybe you will like him too." McCoy remembered all too clearly the conversation he had had with the Vulcan.

"Are you two Lovers?"

"What? No."

"Good."

"Why?"

"I wish to court him."

McCoy didn't understand why or how, but he was silently hoping Spock would be able to crack Jim's shell. He didn't mind constantly having to be in contact with Jim. He loved the man like a brother, and if that's what it took then so be it. At the same time he knew he wasn't the one to make Jim happy. For one thing Bones liked women, and for another he was just as fearful of relationships as Jim was.

"Ok." Jim replied quietly.

"By the way, I have a Medical Conference in three months." Bones dropped in Jim's lap as he got up to make some food. That got Kirk out of the bundle... Sort of.

"What do you mean you have a Medical Conference?" Kirk's voice cracked with panic. He knew what happened when he wasn't asleep next to a warm body. McCoy ran a hand through his hair.

"Its mandatory. Maybe you can come along, but as of right now its up in the air." Kirk 'ughed' and hid back under the blankets. McCoy returned to his side, and dug him back out. "He's not here anymore. He cant hurt you." He said softly. Kirk nodded, but wouldn't meet his gaze. McCoy left it at that. In three months, hopefully Spock would've pushed through Kirk's barriers, and made a relationship with him.  
~~~~~  
The next day, Kirk dragged himself to the chess club, and arrived 15.76 minutes late. Spock had estimated about as much, and was therefore not surprised. He motioned for Kirk to join Uhura. She was kind hearted, but when the going got tough she knew how to man up. Kirk gave her a nod, and sat across from her. He didn't speak as she set up the game before the two of them, and decided he was annoyed that she was stealing glances at him. Did she already know he was useless? Or perhaps she knew what happened to Gary.

"Ill go first." She said softly to him. Spock had informed her ahead of time that Kirk was quiet. He asked her not to force him, but to merely encourage him into speaking. She knew of him from a bar she'd once been to with Gary. They'd gotten into a bar brawl, words were exchanged. The man before her was so different from the one she'd met in the bar. That man in the bar had been a horn dog, and cocky, not this meek silent individual.

Kirk nodded his ascent, and stared down at the board as she moved her first pawn. How to work this? Play like crap and get kicked out or try and excel? He settled for just matching her move for move until he better understood her strategy.

"Oh, come on, play." She groused at him about the fourth move in. "Just because I'm a woman, doesn't mean you can go easy on me." She groused further. Kirk looked up at her sharply at that. She looked frustrated. He didn't realize he was making her uncomfortable. Spock sat at the other end of the room listening and watching even though he was currently engaged with another player. Uhura met his eye, and he knew her well enough to know she was cursing him.

Kirk moved a different piece than the one she did, and mumbled a very quiet 'check'. This brought her attention squarely back to him and their game. She stared at the board in utter surprise. Quickly she got over it and moved another piece to block his advancing bishop. His bishop took her piece and he muttered another check. At first she thought shed misheard what he said, but now she knew she didn't. The game continued for another 5 or 6 rounds before he finally cornered her King to a Checkmate.

"Wow!" She said completely taken back at his prowess. "I thought Commander Spock was good, but wow!" Kirk blushed and ducked his head. He wanted to say it was nothing but he didn't want to offend her. She put her hand out to him, and he took it gingerly. "I call dibs on tomorrows first game. I wont be so easy to beat!" She said to him with a slight wink. Spock choked slightly when he caught the action from the corner of his eye. Mine!

"Ok." Kirk whispered, and gave her a timid smile, which just increased her own brilliant smile. Uhura hopped up from her chair and dashed away to tell a blonde woman something. A young male slid into her spot, followed by an Asian guy. Kirk felt a little constricted by the two males, but shoved the thoughts aside. Uhura had been bubbly with him, and he found he had actually enjoyed their game. Maybe this wasn't so bad. Maybe he could find friends here.

"'Ello." The young male said to him. "I'm Chekov." The boy said in a thick Russian accent.

"And I'm Sulu." Said the Asian guy. Kirk felt a sudden rush of courage and muttered his name.

"Kirk." He shook Sulu's hand too.

"We heard you beat Commander Spock in a match the other day, so we decided we needed to play you." Sulu said, as Chekov put the board back together. Kirk ducked his head to hide his blush again. What was it that they were all told?

"We figure if we play you enough we could beat Spock too." Chekov said in a conspiratorial whisper. Kirk smiled slightly at that. No problem he thought. He was happy to pin it to the guy at least once.

"Yeah, so show us some Vulcan ass kicking moves." Sulu chuckled. Spock smiled internally at that. They would never be able to. Kirk nodded, and started the game off. Chekov was an overly offensive player, which was fine, but left his King wide open for attack. Kirk won in about fifteen minutes. Chekov sat back all dramatic like and cursed a bit in Russian. Sulu soothed him with a light back rub. The gesture was far too intimate, and Kirk found himself staring openly.

"Come on, move your butt." Sulu said with a chuckled as he pushed Chekov off his seat. Chekov groaned and swapped with Sulu. They reset the board and Sulu started off this time. He was overly defensive which worked too, except he wasn't scoring any points off Kirk. It took Kirk about twenty five minutes to win. Sulu groaned, and pressed his forehead to the table.

"Argh, you are the superior." He moaned, and did a mock impersonation of a bow. Kirk blushed heavily again, and again had to stop himself from telling Sulu it was nothing. The two guys locked arms shoulder to shoulder and went off to join Uhura, and her blonde friend's game. Kirk watched them for a time, and realized slowly that the blonde woman was Christine, a friend of Bones.

"How is your first day, Cadet Kirk?" He looked up at the Vulcan now towering over him. He was caught and held in place by those soft brown eyes. He stared up at him with a feeling of both friendliness and rivalry. This man was his savior and destroyer. Yet he still had not been destroyed.

An elegant eyebrow rose as Kirk gazed up at him and he still didn't respond. Idly, Kirk wondered if the Vulcan spent a lot of time smoothing everything into place. His uniform was well pressed, not a stitch out of place. His hair the same way, and his eyebrows were perfectly shaped. In fact everything about him was simply perfection, and completely controlled.

"Will you indulge me in a game?" The Vulcan asked since Kirk still didn't respond. Kirk nodded, and the Vulcan gracefully sat down opposite him. They reset the game and Kirk started. Spock stared at the board before moving his own piece. This time Kirk took his time in deciding which piece to move. As did Spock. The Vulcan didn't try to engage him in anymore conversation, which was good, but the other students started to gather round to watch. Kirk sucked in a breathe. Way too many people, and way too much attention. So he threw the game, which earned him another raised eyebrow. A chorus of voices rose from all the other students, and the whispers of his first game being a fluke made him happy.

"Chess Club dismissed. Tomorrow the Club will be an hour late." Spock said as he stood and smoothed his shirt. Kirk was the first one up and out the door.  
~~~~~  
That night, McCoy wasn't sure what to expect to find. He was almost sure Kirk would be under his bundle of blankets again. Instead he found the man on the couch reading a paDD.

"Hey." He said as he made his way to the replicator for coffee.

"Hey." Kirk replied, not looking up from his paDD.

"So how was Chess Club?" This brought Kirk's attention back to McCoy.

"It was good." He said softly. McCoy arched his brows and went to sit beside Kirk.

"Yeah?" He asked softly and maybe a little hopefully.

"Yeah. Played against a girl named Uhura?" Kirk started, and looked away from Bone to try and think of the woman's name.

"Nyota Uhura." McCoy supplied. "She a linguists major."

"Yeah her. She was quite nice." If that sentence had come out Kirk's month two years ago it would have been perverted. Now though, it was almost just pleading. Like he missed the way he used to talk about women. "Then I met Sulu, and Chekov. They are quite the pair. Both of them wanted me to show them 'Vulcan Ass Kicking' moves." McCoy laughed at that.

"Serve that Hobgoblin right." McCoy chuckled, but sobered at Kirk's face. He still didn't know what Gary held over him, or why he was so angry with Spock for saving him. McCoy had thought it was a blessing.

"Christine was there." Kirk said eventually. It was McCoy's turn to hide his face. "You should come tomorrow and play her a game." Kirk knew all too well how much his friend liked the woman. He also felt guilty for keeping McCoy from her even though McCoy has assured him many a time it had nothing to do with him.

"Nah. I'm still hashing it out with my ex." McCoy said like he always did. He got up to go get his coffee and came back.

"Spock asked me to play him again. I lost. It looks like the first time was just a fluke." Kirk said unconvincingly.

"I don't think it was a fluke." McCoy said abruptly. Kirk nodded but didn't say anything more.  
~~~~~  
The next day Kirk arrived 16.45 minutes late even though the club started an hour later than the day before. Spock found himself slightly annoyed by this, but there wasn't much he could do. He had determined yesterday that too many prying eyes would cause Kirk to throw the game. So Spock decided to ask him to play him after everyone else left. As soon as Kirk was in the door Uhura was on him.

"First game!" She chimed. He smiled reluctantly at her and nodded. A jealous pang shot through Spock. How he wished he could get Kirk to smile at him like that. He quickly wiped the emotion and thought away. It was illogical to act the way she was. Besides something inside him had already claimed Kirk. He would get him to talk to him eventually. Perhaps even get him to love him. "Christine says she would like to play you tonight as well if you don't mind." She watched him then. Trying to coax him into to speaking.

"Ok." He managed. She smiled brightly at him for speaking. Checkov, Sulu and Christine all sat at the table with him and Uhura, and had a second game going beside them. The five of them rotated, and Kirk found that he was actually beginning to have fun. Turns out Sulu and Checkov were in a relationship. They kept holding hands under the table when they thought Kirk wasnt paying attention.

He didn't know how he stood on the matter. His limited experience lead him to fear men, but deep down he knew he was still attracted to them. Especially one with chocolate brown eyes. Whoa, where did that thought come from? He squashed it down. He still didn't know if Spock was a friend or foe at this point in the game. He certainly didn't need to add more complication to that by fantasizing about the alien.

"How is Leonard?" Christine asked all of a sudden midway through their game. Kirk looked up at her in surprise from the board.

"Huh?" He said brilliantly.

"Leonard McCoy?" She asked sweetly. "He's your roommate isnt he?"

"Yeah." He said reluctantly. "He's ok I think." He replied again reluctantly. She nodded, and didnt say anything more. Uhura had been paying close attention, and decided to speak up.

"Why dont we call him and all go out for drinks after club." She said, and smiled at Kirk who looked slightly uncomfortable with the notion. "Scotty should be there tonight, and we can all catch up."

"I don't think so about me." Kirk finally managed. His hand was gripping his knee hard. Gary liked to catch him off guard at the bar once in a while. The alley behind the building was a sadly familiar place for him. Uhura sensed his discomfort, and placed a light hand on his shoulder. His whole body tensed, and he had to fight the urge to smack her hand away. Spock was up and hovering near the table at lightning speed. She retracted her hand as soon as she saw him approach. What the fuck was going on? Kirk blew out a sigh, and stood abruptly. I cant do this. He thought. What a loser I've become! He thought viciously to himself. Oh, how he didn't want to be afraid of one small little bar, and go out and enjoy himself with these nice people.

"Excuse me." He mumbled and quickly exited the room. The four friends looked at each other with equal measure of dumbstruck. Uhura was the first to recover, and stood up from her seat. She ignored the Vulcan's attempts to stop her, and followed Jim out the door.

"Jim! Wait!" She called as she chased after his retreating form. He turned to look at her warily but stopped anyway. She'd called him Jim. Only Bones calls him Jim. Only his friend. Maybe she wanted to be friends too?

"Im sorry." She said once she caught up with him. "I don't think you remember me, but I was in that bar three years ago." He stiffened at her words. The day he met Gary Mitchell. The individual that made him this cowardly poor excuse for a human being. Did she know then? Was she going to throw it in his face? "Look, I don't know what happened after that night, but I just want to make friends with you. You're so much different than that drunk guy who hit on me and got into a fight with my boyfriend." His body clenched further and he turned away from her. Her boyfriend? Had he been cruel to her too?

She was taking a chance. She had only seen glimpses of Kirk over the years, and slowly he had become withdrawn. Only Gary and McCoy were close to him in that time. She also knew who and what Gary was. What he got kicked out of the academy for. She had also heard the whispers from Gary, that led her to this conclusion. That night in the bar three years ago, Gary had come home to her, and had been very rough. She told him to stop and he didn't. She broke it off with him when he had no remorse for what he did. In a way she had been happy when he picked someone else to harass. And for that she needed to make up for it. For that she was just as guilty as him.

"I know how Gary was." She whispered. Kirk recoiled away from her, and she stopped him with her hand on his. He turned to swing at her but caught the look on her face. She was sad, and she looked like she was in pain. "He was a jerk, and you shouldn't have to close yourself off because of him. He's locked away and cant bother us anymore." Kirk breathing had escalated, and he buried his face in his free hand. She drew him into a hug, and for once he let someone else pick up the pieces instead of Bones. He knew he had to stop doing that.  
~~~~~  
In the weeks that followed Uhura's revelation, Kirk allowed himself to open up to his friends. They joked with him, sought him out outside of the chess club, and most importantly made him feel better about himself. Chekhov and Sulu certainly got more comfortable about their P.D.A., and he found himself wishing he could find someone like that.

He even allowed himself to get to know Spock. The Vulcan invited him to play chess with him after club meetings just about every night. He learned that Spock was not quite as emotionless as he came off. A quirk of an eyebrow told Jim everything he needed to know. Or even a small movement of his plump lips. He even started to go to lunch or dinner with Spock when they both had the free time.

Spock had come to the conclusion that setting Kirk against Uhura on that first day was the most brilliant idea he ever had. She was his good friend, and often she joined both of them for their ritual meals out. However, it seemed the two were overly flirty and handsy with each other. He often found himself clamping down on his emotions when she touched Kirk or Kirk touched her.

Kirk on the other hand was just a very physical person. Before Gary, he would touch someone's shoulder at any opportunity. After Gary, Bones was the one who usually got touched. There certainly was quite a bit of touching when they slept together.

Christine had finally wiggled her way to seeing Bones in a more personal fashion about two months after Jim found friends. The old doctor started to join them when they went out, and often sat beside the blonde woman. Guilt always shot through Kirk at that. He felt like he was holding McCoy back from finding his own happiness. Though they never discussed it anymore. McCoy was just happy that Kirk was finally looking better. Finally, able to sleep soundly through the night; most nights. They still slept together though. Both feared what would happen if they didn't.

Finally the medical conference was upon them. It was midterm week, and there was absolutely no way for Kirk to get out of it and accompany the doctor.

"I'm sorry, Jim." He said softly to him over their lunch. "Look it probably wont be so bad. You've been sleeping a lot better in the last three months than you have in 3 years." Kirk would have almost bought that if McCoy didn't sound like he didn't believe himself. "You can always call me if anything goes wrong." McCoy offered feebly. Kirk was in the middle of deciding whether or not to be mad or man up. Stop being such a coward. His mind viciously supplied.

"It's ok." Kirk said softly. "He's gone. I need to get over it." McCoy was taken aback. That almost sounded like the old Kirk. McCoy smiled broadened and he clapped Kirk hard on the back.

"That's my man." He said. Kirk couldn't help but smile back. Yeah, he could do this.

The next day, he hugged McCoy goodbye, and set out about his day. He made it to Chess Club on time for the first time since joining it, and was greeted with a very happy Vulcan. His chocolate brown eyes had melted from the warmth of his minuscule smile.

"Jim." Spock said to him. He gave the Vulcan a dazzling smile, and slid into the seat opposite him.

"Good afternoon, Spock. Care for a game?" The Vulcan bowed his head in assent, and together they set up the pieces. All his friends gathered round, as well as the rest of the students. For once Kirk didn't feel overwhelmed by all the eyes fixed on him. Didn't even blink an eye. Of course it could've been the fact that all his attention was fixated on warm brown eyes.

They ended up playing all the way to the end of the club meeting with no discernible winner. So they left the game as it was, and Uhura announced dinner was on her.

"Commander Spock, why don't you join us?" She asked, as everyone else gathered at the door. "We're going somewhere that serves Vulcan recipes." He was about to say no, when he caught her indicating Kirk. He looked over at the man, and felt an illogical need to go along.

"That would be acceptable." He said finally. She smiled, and went to inform the others he was tagging along. They all smiled, and urged him to hurry up. He didn't, but it was in good fun all the same.

As they all started to walk off the campus, Kirk slowed to the back of the group. He got the feeling that the direction they were going was not a good direction. It was staggering once he caught sight of the place. It was a little restaurant that was right beside a hardware store Gary used to work at. In the backroom, he had raped Kirk repeatably when Kirk would foolishly meet him for lunch. He stopped dead, and found he couldn't move his feet another step. What if he somehow got out and was working here again? That they found out Gary was paying Kirk to rape him and let him go free? Suddenly his vision was filled with those brown eyes, that were no longer soft, but sharp and hard with worry.

"Jim?" He asked softly. He didn't reach out and touch Kirk as he wanted to. Uhura appeared beside Spock, and stepped around him.

"I forgot he used to work here." She mumbled under her breathe. She reached out to touch Kirk, but Kirk stepped away from her. The rest of the group had stopped a small way away, and were watching the scene unfold intently. Too many prying eyes.

"Sorry, I just got lost in a thought all of a sudden. Something I forgot to do." He said with a facade of a smile. Uhura relaxed, but Spock could still see the tension in the lines of Kirk's body. "Boy, am I starving, lets go inside." Stiffly he took a step forward, and Spock fell into step beside him, with Uhura on the other side. The trio caught up to everyone else, and Kirk continued to wear that facade of a smile as a chorus of concern echoed through the group.

Once seated safely inside, Kirk found his smile was coming out more genuinely. He was seated beside Spock, who as it turned out was a huge heater. Uhura seated herself on his other side, and he knew he was in good hands. Once the meal was served, both Spock and he bumped hands trying to reach for the same utensil. Fiery heat rushed up Kirk's arm and went straight to his dick. The part of his body that had been dormant for the better part of a year now. He gasped, and quickly mumbled an apology. Spock didn't reply, and the meal continued normally, but now Kirk was catching his body trying to touch the Vulcan seated quietly beside him. His knee, his hand, and even his thigh, made contact with the strong and warm Vulcan body. He hoped no one noticed especially Spock, who didn't give any indication he did.

That night Kirk turned on every light in the room before finally crawling into bed. No darkness for the creepy crawlys to hide in, he thought. He tossed and turned, and only finally fell asleep a little past midnight.

Spock was awoken by a panicked pounding on his door. He was up and to the door in four long strides. Throwing the door open he found a very distraught Jim on his threshold. The human was in pajama pants and nothing else. His eyes were hazed over, unfocused, and there were claw marks all over his torso, and arms.

"Jim?" Spock questioned softly. The human looked at him without really looking at him and padded forward until his face was buried in Spock's shoulder. Spock slowly put his arms around him, and embraced him loosely; giving him a chance to pull away.

"Can't sleep." The human murmured against Spock's collarbone.

"You smell of blood." Spock replied.

"Had to get rid of the dirty. Water wouldn't wash it away." His human answered. His stomach twisted violently at that as he realized Kirk had clawed at himself.

"I need to take a look at the wounds, Jim." Spock said gently.

"Then will you let me sleep with you?" Kirk asked. His breathe was shuddering against Spock's neck and he sounded like he was a million miles away. Through their connected skin he could feel Kirk's surface emotions. Misery, terror, and pain with a touch of comfort.

"Yes."

"Ok." Spock guided him into his dorm room and took him into the bathroom where he produced a first aid kit. Slowly and meticulously he started to clean each and every scratch mark. When he made it to Kirk's hands, his stomach flipped over at the amount of blood and flesh covering them. He started to clean them as well, and looked up at Kirk to see if he was paying attention. He wasn't. His eyes were listless and dull much the same way they'd been when Spock had first met Kirk.

"To bed." He whispered once Kirk was clean, and all his wounds had been attended to. For a moment he wondered if Kirk would offer his body sexually again. At this stage it wouldn't be logical to claim him. He had to lead Kirk into his small bedroom, and lay him down before climbing in and covering them both up. Immediately, Kirk arranged himself so every inch was plastered against Spock's side, with his head pillowed on the Vulcan's shoulder. This was going to be a long night.

"Sleepy." The human murmured. Spock kissed his forehead before he realized what he was doing, but Kirk didn't react negatively. Through their connected skin he could feel Kirk's comfort, and soon the human was asleep. It was a quite bit of time later before Spock himself found sleep. In the morning things were going to be interesting.

Kirk awoke the next morning in a state of disorientation. That ceiling looked like his, but he knew it wasn't. Whose place did he go to last night? He couldn't remember anything after the night terror. He could only remember a sweet kiss on his forehead, and a strong warm body beneath his. He reached up and touched the spot where the kiss had been laid, and that attracted the attention of one very awake Vulcan.

"Good morning, Jim." With the voice he remembered that something was tugging him from his bed last night. Safety. Safety in the arms of his savior and destroyer.

"Good morning, Spock." He replied softly as he threw his right arm across his eyes. That's when he realized the bandages covering his arms. He sat up and started to access the damage. Yep, he clawed himself up good this time. The last time, McCoy had been able to stop him before he'd done this much damage to himself. Suddenly his nose was filled with the smell of coffee which brought his attention squarely back to Spock. He hadn't heard the man get up and move over to the replicator.

"What do you like in your coffee?" Spock asked quietly as his soft brown eyes met Kirk's eyes.

"Cream and sugar." He replied, as he drew the blanket up around himself. He felt self conscious and didn't want the Vulcan admiring his half nakedness or even the damage he'd done to himself. Being shirtless in the man's bed was also not making matters any better. Slowly, he pushed his ass into the mattress. When no immediate pain or the feeling of emptiness hit him, he was reasonably sure they hadn't had sex. While Spock's back was still turned, he took a few glances about the room to see if his shirt was anywhere.

"You arrived shirtless last night." Spock said suddenly. Kirk looked over at him, and found him watching Kirk very closely. How did he know that's what Kirk was looking for?

"Oh." Was all Kirk could manage.

"I have a spare change of clothing that should be adequate to get you home." Spock continued. Kirk just nodded. This was even worse than the time he woke up with a hangover with three women, two men, and an Orion in bed with him. They had been all naked of course, and the Orion had seemed quite interested in continuing whatever sex games they played the night before. He wished with all his heart that he could just disappear. "Jim, you may come spend the night whenever you feel the need. I am told that going through what you went through will take a great deal of time to heal from." Spock's tone was purely clinical and emotionless, which softened the blow significantly to Kirk's emotions.

"I don't want to be a burden." Kirk replied quietly, and ducked his head so he didn't have to meet those brown orbs anymore. Spock's eyes were the hottest thing about him, and Kirk was having a hard time not staring at them so openly. Of course it didn't help that everything else about Spock's body was hot too.

"It is no burden at all." The Vulcan's voice was less clinical and less detached this time. It was almost warm, and backed by some sort of double meaning. He surely didn't want to get his hopes up.

"I-I have to get home to go to class." Kirk managed, and firmly put an end to the discussion. Spock bowed his head, moved over to the bed, handed off the cup of coffee before disappearing into the next room. Kirk busied himself with chugging down the cup of the gods, and tried not to track the Vulcan's movement throughout the room. When Spock returned, he was dressed for his day, and he deposited clothes down on the bed for Kirk to wear.

"What food would you like for breakfast?" He looked up at Spock who had again retreated to the kitchen area.

"I'll get some at home." He replied sort of embarrassed. That earned him another raising of an eyebrow. "Toast." He said a little timidly. As soon as Spock's back was turned Kirk jumped up from the bed and went into the bathroom. For a moment he surveyed himself in the mirror before taking inventory of all the bandages littering his body. Had Spock done this for him? Quickly, he shoved the thought aside, shucked his pajama pants, and pulled on the borrowed clothing. The pants were a little too long, but everything else fit fine. Hopefully no one would see him. He came back out to find Spock had indeed made him toast with three different jellies, and butter he could put on it. He scarfed it down quickly, mumbled a thank you and good bye to Spock, and made his way out the door.

That night after chess club, Spock asked Kirk to join him for a game of chess. Kirk obliged, and actually felt at peace with the Vulcan's companionship despite the awkwardness of that morning. He liked that Spock kept his eyes on the board, that he didn't speak unless Kirk spoke or Spock felt the need to. He liked that Spock made no sudden movements towards him, or try to touch him at all. Usually it was Kirk who touched Spock. When Kirk finally checkmated Spock, he gave him the most brilliant smile that just made Spock want to jump across the table and devour him.

"Would you like to spend the night again? I believe Dr. McCoy is still gone?" Spock asked as they exited the room. Kirk ducked his head again, which Spock was starting to find a little annoying. "There is no need to be embarrassed." He pushed slightly. Wrong move.

"Ill be fine." Kirk blurted out before taking off at a clipped pace.

"Good night, Jim." Spock called after him.

"Yeah, good night, Spock." He threw over his shoulder. Spock mulled over what he had said that set Kirk off on the walk home. Sometimes emotions went right over his head.  
~~~~~  
Spock was in the middle of his meditation when the panicked knocking started on his door. He took a deep breath and prepared himself for what he might find this time before opening his door. Kirk was much the same as he was the night before, only he didn't smell of fresh blood, and he had a shirt on this time.

"Quit calling me to you." He mumbled as he pressed himself into Spock much like he did the night before.

"Then you should have just stayed the night." He replied. Thing was, he hadn't been calling out to Kirk. Not consciously anyway. There was a remote possibility that his touch telepathy created a small unconscious bond to Kirk when they touched. Which was probable since he was still having that primal urge every time he saw Kirk.

They went to the bed, and Kirk folded himself against Spock exactly the same as the night before. Both fell asleep fairly quickly but not before Spock could wonder if Kirk slept like this with McCoy. He'd kill the doctor if he ever found that out. More meditation, he thought after that primal urged him to a bloodbath of a friend who was helping his T'hy'la. Way more meditation.

The next morning wasn't nearly as awkward as the morning before. This time Kirk awoke still in Spock's arms, and he found that Spock was quite the comfortable pillow. Still he didn't remember what occurred after he fell asleep. But a quick inventory proved that he hadn't harmed himself further which was a small relief.

Still the question of why Spock was being so kind was stuck in his mind. Anyone else would have freaked out about this whole mess, and yet this Vulcan didn't seem too concerned at all. In fact all he has professed was wanting nothing more than to help Kirk with his problems. No one did something for nothing though. That was a sad realization that Kirk had come to in the last few years. He still didn't fully know what McCoy got out of this whole thing. It wasn't like Kirk had helped McCoy out with anything.

But that wasn't true. Ever since McCoy's wife left him, and Kirk had befriended him, he's been slowly helping Bones piece his life together. Helped him get a good lawyer for the divorce. Picked him up when he came home drunk on their anniversary or his kid's birthdays. They were both broken only in different ways. Both were self destructive, but together they made themselves less so.

"Good morning, Jim." Came a sleepy, rumble of a voice from beneath him.

"Good morning, Spock." Kirk flipped his head so he could look at those soft brown eyes. They were full of some hint of an emotion that Kirk couldn't place.

"How did you sleep?" Spock asked next. He didn't shift to get comfortable like Jim did or like McCoy would have. He wondered idly if Vulcan's could be comfortable or uncomfortable. No matter how much literature he read he still couldn't seem to understand Vulcans. Once he reached 'they have personal space' he was lost and confused. This Vulcan didn't seem to mind touch at all.

"Good." Kirk said slowly. He had been basking in the Vulcan's warm embrace, and now reality was slowly awakening in him. "How did you sleep?"

"Sufficiently." The answer was neutral and clinical, and something he had come to expect from Spock. Kirk nodded, and sat up to get out of bed. He went to the bathroom, used it, and headed for the door.

"Have a good day Spock." He threw over his shoulder as he exited. Spock stared at the door for a long time and ran through their awakening to try and pinpoint what he had said wrong. Getting up himself he sat at his computer terminal and shot a video message to McCoy. The doctor answered it with a bottle of amber liquid that Spock was 99.99 percent sure it was too early for it to be out of the cabinet.

"What?" McCoy asked him abrasively. Spock arched a brow at McCoy's obvious dislike of him. Here he thought they had been getting along...

"Kirk came to my room the night before last in a state that can only be described as Catatonic. He had deep scratches all along his arms and torso. His fingers were covered in blood and there was flesh beneath his finger nails." McCoy didn't look at all surprised by this information. Perhaps this was the reason Kirk needed to sleep with someone else? A comforting mechanism that he couldn't begin to understand. "Last night he came to my room again in much the same state only he wasn't covered in fresh wounds." Spock allowed that to hang while he was making up his mind as to whether or not to tell McCoy about everything else.

"What Jim is going through are a Terran medical issue known as night terrors. They are caused by psychological trauma, that we both know Kirk went through. I have offered a hypo to help with them but Jim does not like hypos and wasn't too keen on the idea. We... Well, I had hoped that he was well enough now to be over it. Do you know if he had an instance when he thought of Gary? Maybe went somewhere that reminded him of the bastard?"

"We went to dinner at a restaurant next to Gary's ex place of employment, but I fail to see how that would cause this."

"Gary raped Kirk in the backroom of that shop." McCoy answered darkly. Spock was struck speechless for a long period of time. Gary had raped Kirk in his place of employment? Was there anywhere that Gary hadn't raped Kirk?

"Do you have a list of the places, Mitchell assaulted Jim?" Spock asked. "If I know where they are, perhaps I can inform Uhura and these places can be further avoided."

"Jim doesn't operate like that." McCoy answered. "It's one thing if he personally avoids them, but he is too smart for his own good, and he'll catch on that you'll are avoiding them too. It'll upset him. Best thing I've noticed is to just go with the flow. Don't baby him." Spock thought about that for a little bit, and just quirked an eyebrow at the doctor.

"Baby him?" Spock inquired.

"Don't avoid subjects or places that you think Kirk can't handle." The doctor clarified irritably. "Act like he can handle the whole of the Klingon fleet, and he'll come around."

"I doubt that one human can take on the whole of the Klingon Fleet." Spock replied slowly, which surprised a bark of laughter from the doctor. He disconnected without any further ado, and left Spock staring at a blank com screen. He got up, and went about his day. That night after Chess Club, Kirk asked him if he could spend the night. Spock nodded his head, and walked with Kirk back to his dorm to get some clothes. Kirk didn't allow him in which didn't bother him in the least. He found it odd that Kirk would be alone in Spock's room with him, but He wouldn't be alone in his own room. Maybe it had to something to do with McCoy.

Upon returning to Spock's dorm room, they ate supper, and then settled in to do work. Kirk was doing homework, and Spock was doing his class paper work.

"Spock." Kirk said softly, bringing the Vulcan's attention to him. "I, uh, have a question about this Linguist stuff." Kirk said a little sheepishly. "Usually, Uhura helps me with it." Spock's eyebrow rose the length of his forehead. He didn't know that Uhura helped Kirk with his homework too.

"Uhura is certainly the top of her class in Linguistics. How may I assist you?" Kirk was shocked at Spock's praise. Usually he was reserved in his assessments of students.

"Uh, this Romulan translation." Kirk said. "I think it says something about ale, but I'm not sure about a few of these words." Spock stretched to look across the table at Kirk's book. The human stiffened, but didn't move away from his proximity.

"This word means 'to get' and this other one is 'Orion'." Spock said, and sat back in his chair. Kirk nodded, mumbled a thanks, and continued about his work.

"Jim." Spock said, making the human look up at him.

"What?"

"What program are you in?" Spock asked. Kirk smiled tentatively.

"Captaincy, and a minor in engineering." Kirk answered. Spock dipped his head in thanks, and returned to his own work. This whole situation should have been awkward, but really Kirk was enjoying the silence, and ultimately the little tidbits that Spock asked about. He liked the companionship even while doing homework.

Kirk got done with his homework before Spock got done with his paperwork, so he tentatively curled up on the couch to read his book. Spock moved to his terminal, and started to work on writing a paper. Spock was enjoying having someone else in his dorm room with him. Spock didn't speak much even in a room full of people, but he never realized how lonely it had been working in a room by himself.

"Jim, if you are tired, you are more than welcome to go to sleep in my bed." Spock said when he heard the human's breathe even out, and a light snoring filled the room. Kirk sat up, startled, and ran a hand through his hair.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

"Yes." Spock answered. "I will join you shortly." He added, and hoped it didn't sound too bad.

"Ok." Kirk mumbled before he disappeared into the bathroom to change. It was a few hours before Spock turned in. Kirk had slept just fine with Spock physically in the bed with him which made him wonder if he physically did have to be in bed with the man. Not that he would mention it. Well, maybe he would.  
~~~~~  
"What is it you want from me?" Kirk asked abruptly the next morning. Spock considered the answer before giving it. What did he want from Kirk?

"To be your mate." He answered bluntly, and in that clinical tone of his. Kirk blushed scarlet and scooted a little further away from the Vulcan. Spock let him, and merely waited until he answered.

"Who says stuff like that?" Kirk finally managed to spit out. Spock's eyebrow shot up to its heavenward position making Kirk chuckle at him.

"Forgive me, I believe the term humans use is lovers." Spock replied. Kirk's face went darker, which Spock found fascinating. Kirk ducked his head low so Spock couldn't tell what he was thinking.

"Why me?" He mumbled finally.

"I do not know." Spock answered truthfully, which brought Kirk's gaze to his face.

"I don't like sex." Kirk said finally. Spock nodded. He had expected as much.

"That is acceptable." He replied. All of this was way too impersonal, but there was something else. It was said in tones that conveyed fact. It was fact that Spock wanted to pursue a relationship, and it was fact that not having sex was acceptable. "Though eventually, it may become an issue." Spock continued while Kirk was holed up thinking about this talk.

"Why?" Kirk asked slowly, and reluctantly.

"Sex is a biological need for all creatures." Spock said softly, but his eyes got that glint in them that Kirk always associated with mischief. "I believe that between the two of us, our coupling would be very satisfying." Panic, and arousal spiked through Kirk at that. Translation: Astronomical sex. He liked the idea, and honestly wished that his body wasn't trying to throw his breathing off, and course the blood through his veins at high speeds. Spock watched his reaction, and couldn't decided if the human was aroused or scared. "What of kissing?" Spock asked to distract Kirk, who peeked up at him through his lashes.

When he didn't get an answer, he held up his hand with his index and middle finger held outward with the other three fingers curled. Kirk slowly and tentatively raised his hand in the same fashion. Their fingers met and electricity and fire started to ignite up Kirk's arm and going all the way to his groin. He gasped and retracted his hand.

"I did not know how receptive humans would be of this, but you felt that." It was a statement rather than a question, and Kirk could tell that Spock was aroused now. He needed to get up. Once that thought hit him, panic flooded back through him. The next thing he knew was Spock holding him against his chest, and Spock's strong capable hands were on his back. He sighed and buried his face against the Vulcan's throat.

"I'm broken." He whispered softly. "You're sure you want to waste your time with me?" He needed to know, because he was getting very attached already.

"I've known the moment I saw you. It is no time wasted at all." Spock whispered back, causing butterflies to erupt in Kirk's stomach. Kirk nodded, and was about to reply when his stomach replied for him. He scowled when Spock left him to prepare him some food, but was smiling again when Spock climbed back into bed and sat beside him while he ate.

They went about their day as usual with the exception that Spock was outside his class to pick him up for lunch. Spock took him to a little diner that served the most amazing lunch meat sandwiches, and a salad for the Vulcan himself. People stared at the two which made it awkward, and prickled the hairs on the back of Kirk's neck. Whore. Gary's voice whispered inside his head. He'll pay then you'll have to give him sex. They'll all know it too. Look at everyone staring at your whorish ways. That's the only reason he's interested in you. Kirk looked around the room, and sure enough a good percentage of everyone was staring.

Easily, fixed. Kirk thought to himself. Ill just pay for the meal. He was satisfied with that answer, however he couldn't shake the paranoia over Spock's interest in him. He snatched up the bill and paid before Spock had the chance, and the only comment he received was a raised eyebrow.

The days continued much the same way, and Kirk found that his paranoia was growing more and more. Finally a month after McCoy returned, he couldn't escape the paranoia anymore. He hacked Spock's computer, and found the information he was looking for.

Spock had been the one to take over his payments for school. The worst part was that Kirk had been legitimately happy with Spock. So happy that he didn't go into a panic attack when Spock's and his fingers met anymore. Or when Spock's hands roamed over his clothed body. Content to just lie in bed with the Vulcan, and be held for hours at a time. He had been considering allowing Spock to fuck him into next week. Now all ruined because all Spock wanted was his body and not his mind and soul.

Kirk went into a tailspin of despair that even McCoy had never seen him go into. He stopped going to chess club altogether, skipped most of his classes, and didn't return to the room until well past midnight, reeking of alcohol. The alcohol and staying out late hadn't surprised McCoy, but the skipping classes did. Starfleet was Kirk's one true dream, and even with everything that happened with Gary, Kirk never missed a class. May have been late to class, but never missed a class.

"What happened?" He barked at a very drunk Kirk who came stumbling into their room. His entire face was swollen, and blood was everywhere. McCoy got out of bed and got out his medical case. He had to knock the bottle of booze out of Kirk's hand because he was paying more attention to it than his question.

"Bar brawl." Was Kirk's replied growl. He waved McCoy off when the doctor tried to check his wounds.

"Not that." McCoy barked. "What happened that made you get like this?" Kirk opted to sing "99 bottles of beer on the wall" instead of answering his friend. "Goddammit, Jim." He snarled. "You keep missing class! What are you going to do if you get kicked out for attendance?" Kirk didn't answer and continued into the fifth verse without any sort of hesitation. So McCoy hypoed his ass into silence, and deposited him on the bed without any ceremony. "Fuck it!" He snarled and climbed into his own bed to seethe for awhile.

Kirk awoke in the middle of the night with a massive hangover, and scratches all over. Unable to stop himself, he barfed on the floor and collapsed on the bed in tears. McCoy had a point- he didn't know what he'd do if he got kicked out for missed classes. He decided that giving himself up to Spock as a mindless sex slave was no different than doing the same for Gary. Of course, Spock was a lot more conniving than Gary, but still. His stomach felt like it had a huge rock that was on fire inside of it. He tasted freedom, thought that he had been in love, and now he was going back to being a sad, alone caged bird. Spock's transgressions were worse than Gary's. Only one more semester though. Then he could pass the Kobayashi Maru, and become a Captain. Run away from this whole mess. There was always the worry that Spock wouldn't stop after that though. He'd always been concerned that Gary would follow him wherever he went too.

He went to the sink, filled a cup of water, and swallowed it down. Then climbed into bed with McCoy, who moved over and snuggled back up to him once he settled. The next day he showed up for his classes, and gave his teachers the excuse that he had had lung worm. They accepted without argument, so he was good to go until Spock cornered him finally.

"Jim? Are you alright?" He asked softly. He found that his resolve was no longer there. He wanted nothing more than to tell Spock what he had found out, and let Spock fix it. He knew that Spock would just force his legs open though.

"Yeah, fine." He said not meeting Spock's eyes. "Hey listen, you mind if I come over later?" Spock knew immediately that something was wrong. There was no sparkle like there had been in his eyes. No sweet smile that melted Spock's insides every time. What happened?

"You are always welcome to come whenever you like." Spock answered in his sweetest tones. Its a trap. Gary's voice helpfully supplied.

"Ok, see you later then." He said before speeding away from Spock.

That night when Spock returned to his room from Chess Club, he was excited that Kirk was coming over. That was until he opened his door and found a very naked Jim on his bed. He would have been aroused by the sight of a naked Jim, and a black butt plug keeping Jim open for him if it hadn't been for Jim's body language. He was stiff, his shoulders set in hard lines, and Spock could practically smell his panic. Not to mention Kirk's recent disappearance from both Spock and his classes. Something happened that made Kirk regress into that blank, sad, and frightened individual that Spock had first met. He wished he knew what.

His suspicions were confirmed when he flipped Kirk over to look at his eyes. They were soulless just like the day he'd met Kirk. His hands in contact with Kirk's flesh told him what he needed to know. Kirk knew about the payments. Sex was exchanged for the payments. He slid away from Kirk and kneeled on the floor a few feet from the bed. He went into a light meditation to calm the emotions boiling on the inside. He thought that Kirk was getting better. He thought that Kirk trusted him. Apparently not, and that made Spock the most upset. It was some time later that Kirk got up from the bed and started dressing.

"I did not make the payments so I could have sex with you." He said in a sharp cold tone. The human jumped about a foot in the air, and hung his head. His shoulders went rigid, and his fists clenched in anger around his pants.

"Then why did you make the payments?" Kirk shot back angrily over his shoulder.

"I told you, I want us to be mates." Spock answered in the same icy tone.

"Why!?" Kirk screamed as he swung around. "You know nothing about me!" He lashed out.

"I know all that I need to know." Spock replied coolly. His own anger was boiling up again despite the meditation, and he tried to push it back down. "Why would you believe that I would only want sex? Haven't I been nothing but honest with you?"

"No!" Kirk bellowed. "How can I possibly know what you want from me? You show no emotion! All I have is your word and I don't even know what that is worth! For all I know this is part of some sort of sick game!" Spock couldn't hold back his anger now. He stood slowly, and deliberately. He stormed, with inhuman speed, into Kirk's personal space, and clenched his hands around Kirk's raised fists.

"Is this enough emotion for you?" He hissed at Kirk. The human flinched, and tried in vain to get away from Spock. The Vulcan pulled his human hard against him and forced his face up so he could nip harshly at the plump pink lips. If Kirk couldn't believe his words, perhaps his actions would be believable. His human gasped, and he took the opportunity to push his tongue into Kirk's mouth. He sucked and nipped at the human tongue as his hand found Kirk's meld points.

_I love you. He pushed on Kirk; opening himself up to the human mind that surprisingly wrapped around his so easily. Loved you from the moment I laid eyes on you. He pushed the memory across the link and forced Kirk to see the scene unfold from his point of view. The instinct to make Kirk his; the overwhelming emotion of anger at Gary. The need to kill Gary for his crimes against his soulmate. The heartache at seeing Kirk in so much pain. Both physical and mental. The terror when he found Kirk trying to drown himself. His jealousy of Uhura for being able to make Kirk smile so easily. Or touching him casually when Spock had to keep himself under strict control for fear of scaring Kirk. Always so careful to keep Kirk happy no matter the cost to himself. Paying for Kirk's education had never even been considered a hefty cost. It was his duty as his soulmate to help make Kirk's dream come true._

_Then he pushed his arousal at the way Kirk played with his round ears when he was embarrassed by something Spock said. His arousal at the way Kirk buried himself against Spock's neck and shoulder or cuddled when they slept. His arousal of Kirk simply smiling at him. His joy when Kirk spoke to him without being invited to. His bliss when Kirk sought him out in a room full of people._

Suddenly, there was a hand around his cock drawing him out of Spock's mind; though not completely. His lips were now working with Spock's and there wasn't even a touch of panic as the Vulcan's hand started to work on him. There wasn't any room for panic what with all there was of Spock surrounding him. His hips moved to match Spock's movements, and there wasn't even a thought of deception coming through. Not a thought of payment. Just love and healing. His hands gripped the bottom of his Vulcan's shirt so hard he was sure he'd rip it right off.

His breath was coming out in harsh puffs, and he knew it'd be over way too fast. Spock knew right when Kirk was reaching his peak, so his hand picked up its movements. He came hard all over Spock's hand and seconds later he felt a second orgasm crash over him. His vision blurred with white like the snow of Iowa, and he felt true bliss from both he and Spock. It wasn't until later that he realized the second orgasm had been Spock's and not his. It wasn't until later that he was able to work out his own emotions from Spock's own. Spock broke the connection, though Kirk could still feel his presence there, and he lifted his human into his arms easily. After he gently put Kirk down on the bed, he went into the bathroom to clean up. Kirk's body was sensitive to the touch of a wet washcloth as he cleaned Kirk up as well, and he writhed sexily under it. While Kirk was still relaxed, he flipped him over and gently worked the butt plug out of him. The sensation made the human buck and moan loudly. Perhaps anal wouldn't be such an out of reach endeavor in the future.

When he flipped Kirk back over he found the human hard again. Fascinating, he thought. Carefully, he lowered his head to Kirk's hard member and sucked at the tip. Admittedly, he did not know what to do, but Kirk was a good transmitter. He liked just the slight feel of teeth against the underside of his member. He liked the way Spock's long tongue could twirl around his head, and his shaft. It didn't take long to make him come again, and then the Vulcan was cleaning his mouth and Kirk up again.

Once he was all done, he climbed in beside Kirk, pulled the blanket around the two of them. Tomorrow he would deal with the consequences of his actions. Mentally raping Kirk hadn't been the answer he'd been looking for, but it got the job done. Even though, that meant he could now have his emotions removed under Vulcan law. It hadn't been his intention initially, but once they started to fight it was the only answer that Spock could think of. The only way for Kirk to understand and see the emotions he felt. For the first time in his life he'd wished his human heritage was more prominent than his Vulcan one. Tomorrow. He thought solemnly. Tomorrow he'd think about it and tell Kirk exactly what he did.

Nervous. That's what Kirk awoke to the next morning. It took him sometime to realize that the feeling wasn't him, but the Vulcan pacing back and forth about the kitchen area. Human eyes tracked his movements, and he became aware of Spock's awareness to the fact he was awake. Weird. He sat up, and stretched, trying in vain to ignore Spock's sudden interest in him. His attention was brought squarely back to the Vulcan when the man came to parade rest in the middle of the room.

"Is this- Whatever this is- what you are so nervous about?" Kirk asked softly. Might as well get it out of the way.

"Yes." Spock answered; not bothering to deny what Kirk was getting through this link of some sort. "I have to explain. What I did last night is of the highest crime in Vulcan culture." Kirk's eyebrows raised high at that. Vulcan's had crime? And here he had thought Crime was illogical. "We do not rape each other as humans do, but to meld with another or touch another and read their thoughts without permission is our equivalent." Which explained why Vulcan's never touched anyone. Ok... "Last night, I was emotionally compromised and performed a mind meld with you without your consent. I also created a bond between you and I." Kirk thought about what Spock was saying. Essentially, he mind raped Kirk. Bad deal. However, he didn't feel violated, or even slightly annoyed about this bond or mind meld. Rather he felt peaceful. He felt as if his soul had finally gotten some rest after three years of being restless.

"I don't think you fully understand, what this bond means." Spock stated. Any other time, any other person, or any other place, Kirk would have been taken that as an insult. "It means that there will be no privacy between us. I will know everything you are thinking and feeling, as you will know what I am thinking and feeling." Kirk skimmed his hand over the pond of water that was Spock's presence inside his head. Confusion that Kirk wasn't angry, hope that Kirk would be OK with this setup, and restless energy that needed an outlet. Yep, this would be interesting to get used to. Especially since nothing in his head was particularly worth knowing.

"On the other hand, I will never be able to hurt you." Spock continued softly. "This link will not allow me to harm you in anyway. Will not allow me to force myself on you." Kirk sucked in a breath at that. Never be able to hurt him or force himself on him. "It just takes your fear, and I will not be able to harm you." Kirk nodded, and huddled his legs against his chest. He could test that theory out. If there was one thing he knew how to do, it was to get emotional reactions. "I understand that you don't believe me." Spock said softly. "I do not believe making me emotionally compromised is the best course of action however." Yep, this would be hard to get used to.

 _Come here._ Kirk thought. _Testing the waters._ Spock came to him without any thought. He came to parade rest at the edge of the bed, and Kirk just stared up at him for a moment before getting up on his knees and moving over to him. Kirk wrapped his arms around Spock's waist and gripped the taller man's hands hard, as if restraining him. They both knew that Spock could easily overpower Kirk, but Spock allowed the restraint anyway. Kirk looked up at him from between his lashes and then rest his head against his Vulcan's chest.

"I still don't like sex." He said finally. "Is that still acceptable?" He didn't mention what Spock did yesterday. What he allowed Spock to do yesterday. Idly Spock wondered if Kirk had forgotten. No, I have not forgotten. Kirk told him in a soft whisper inside his head. I'm not ready for a repeat, or to discuss it.

"Yes, it is still acceptable." Spock ducked his head so he could whisper it in Kirk's ear, and flow of arousal washed over him from Kirk.

"I need to get to class." Kirk said abruptly, and climbed off the bed. He felt shocked by the arousal of Spock's simple reply. Shocked that his dick was awake at all. Yesterday had been the first time in three years that his dick had been awoken willingly. On the way out the door, Kirk got up on his tippy toes and kissed Spock sweetly on the lips. They both felt the want-no, the need-for their lips to linger in a more passionate kiss. Spock's hands found their way to his hips as if to do just that, but at the mere touch of panic through the bond, he removed his hands as if burned.

"Have a good day, Jim." Spock said softly to him. Normally, he wouldn't have said such a thing, but he knew that humans always did when they cared for each other. Kirk was surprised to say the least.

"You, too, Spock." He turned to the door, opened it, and then turned back. "See you at lunch?"

"Yes." He left then, and went to class. For most of the day he couldn't actually concentrate on classes, for his mind was completely on Spock. After lunch he decided to see how far this bond thing could work. He reached out and touched the puddle that was Spock's presence in his mind. He could see what Spock was working on at the moment. Some sort of project with Uhura. Uhura was chattering away about the two getting along so well. Spock hadn't and wasn't commenting on it. She was saying that she was excited to see the two of them happy together. That warmed the pit of Kirk's belly to know she cared to see him happy. He could feel Spock's awareness of him there watching, and he wasn't at all bothered by it either.  
~~~~~  
A month and a half passed since their bonding. Kirk had all but moved in with Spock, and Spock was very content to have Kirk there with him at all times. They never reached further than a brief touching of lips, which never seemed to bother Spock. Little by little though it was starting to bother Kirk. He awoke more and more often with a hard on, and merely taking care of it with his own hands couldn't slack it. Spock never seemed to take notice to it. At least he never said anything, but Kirk could feel the desire if he went looking. He didn't though. Didn't want to feel the guilt of not letting Spock touch him. Didn't want Spock to worry about the guilt either. He had come to the conclusion that Spock's ability to control himself and his emotions was a welcomed thing. At first he had found it annoying, but now he felt it was just the opposite. It meant that Spock wouldn't push or urge him into sex or anything else. More importantly, it meant that Kirk could move at his own pace in their relationship. He felt that it was unfair but when he expressed that to the Vulcan he merely answered that Kirk's healing was more important than the sex. That he was blissful of just being able to be in the same room with Kirk. Of course Kirk wished he had an answer that matched what the Vulcan said, but he didn't, and Spock had no problem with that either.

McCoy was gruelingly happy about Kirk's new found partnership with Spock. He still referred to the Vulcan as Hobgoblin and the like, but never said a word about the relationship being bad. He never said anything about being happy or unhappy about Kirk no longer sharing his bed. Though now he was finding it harder and harder to resist Christine's advances on him. Kirk and Uhura were partners in crime on that one. Each had lured their friends into a date scenario that left Bones unable to escape Christine's clutches. It was well worth the grousing that Jim had to endure for days afterward.

He finally allowed McCoy to download a book onto his paDD. It was something that Bones had been trying to get him to read since Gary had gone to jail.

"It's a book written by people who have been raped for extended periods of time, and the way they came to coping with it." See the thing is Kirk had come to the believe that his time with Gary hadn't been rape. Gary had forced him to believe that it was something that Kirk agreed too. When in fact he never really did agree to it. Gary had been his boyfriend when he had started to have cash flow problems. Gary had offered to pay like any good boyfriend might, but when he started to force Kirk's legs open, it became blackmail instead. It had taken a panic attack, and Spock's cool reassurance for him to realize that nothing he did with Gary was right.

He read the book within a week, and fought internally with his fear at how to approach sex with Spock. One person had tied his boyfriend up and had slowly given the control back to him. Another had just told her boyfriend to have sex with her no matter what she said. Each one solution just didn't seem like the right fit. He did more searching on the subject and found an article written by a Vulcan. The Vulcan theorized in the article that perhaps the best option was to have the lover of the abuse victim explore the victim's body. Maybe start out with a massage and chase the hurt away with one's hands. If the lover was a Vulcan this option was the best to start out with since they had touch telepathy. Then lick and kiss the victim's hurt away, and reward the victim when they made it through the process without panicking. Slowly introduce a different way of coming until true intercourse was achieved without a hitch. He liked the idea, but he didn't have any idea what Spock's sexual preferences were. What if he didn't like doing oral? Some people don't, and as tight lipped about sex that the Vulcan's were it wouldn't surprise Kirk if Spock didn't. He figured that he owed Spock the option at the very least. Not to mention, that night he let Spock touch him. The Vulcan willingly gave him a blowjob afterward.

He entered Spock's room after a long day of testing in his classes. Spock was already there and seemed to be working hard on some sort of equation on his computer terminal. Tonight was definitely going to be hard. He almost wanted to just climb in bed and not offer the Vulcan any option.

"Hey, Spock." He said as he came up behind his man instead. Spock turned and opened his mouth to reply, but Kirk's mouth was there before he could. He lightly darted his tongue into his lover's mouth before withdrawing to see if Spock would react badly. Or if he, himself, reacted badly even. No panic. Not yet anyway. He leaned back in and Spock touched his fingertips to Kirk's lips before he made it to far. He could feel Spock skimming along the edge of his consciousness, and he willingly pulled Spock in. Spock absorbed the knowledge of the book from within Kirk's memories, and Kirk let out a breathe he didn't know he was holding when he received nothing but acceptance.

"I do indeed enjoy oral." Spock whispered. It still slightly unnerved Kirk to hear Spock answer something he had been thinking. He was getting used to it slowly however. "Most Vulcan's do. It has to do with our sense of smell."

"Ah." Kirk answered against Spock's fingertips.

"It would also be very interesting to see if my touch telepathic ways would help. I do often feel when you are struggling." Memories of Spock having to stop touching Kirk in the middle of the night, and moments that Kirk remembered when Spock's touch caused a panic. He had no idea that he was awoken often by such things. A pang of guilt struck Kirk in the gut at the thought. "It is of least concern. Vulcans require less sleep than humans do." Spock was silent for a time before he spoke again. Kirk had remained in position and waited for him to mull over whatever it was he was thinking.

"Jim." He said slowly.

"Hmm." Kirk sighed. His resolve to do this was fracturing quickly, and suddenly sleeping seemed like the best idea he had in his entire life.

"I have a theory, though I do not know if you will accept it." Kirk nodded his assent to continue. Yep, sleeping and running from this was definitely the best idea he had in his life. "Perhaps, if you show me that which happened to you, I could claim the hurt for myself." Kirk was confused and a little dizzy at what Spock was saying. Had this been his endgame all along? Did he get off on watching the memories maybe? No he told himself sternly. Spock had done nothing but try to love him from day one. This was no different.

"I don't understand." He barely managed to whisper. Spock skimmed over Kirk's consciousness to try and figure out what he didn't understand.

"When I brought you back here, there were bite marks and scratches all over your back, torso, and neck." Kirk's whole world shifted violently, and when he came back to himself Spock was holding him in his arms and they were suddenly on the floor. Spock had seen those marks and still wanted him. Those marks were what made the situation that much more painful. They were evidence of crime, shame, and devastation. He found that he was crying in pain and pure relief. Spock's hands were rubbing his back and soft words were being whispered into his ear. "If you'd allow, I would like to make marks of my own where those marks once were." Kirk's world shifted violently again, but this time Spock knew it was coming, and drew Kirk into himself. He found himself full of calm, peace, love, and reassurance. "I wish to make marks of love not violence." Kirk's heart started to pound in his chest for a completely different reason other than panic.

"I think we should start off slowly." Kirk mumbled finally.

"Very well." Spock answered. There was no venom or disappointment in his voice or head. More like he just wanted to tell Kirk of his wishes, and when they were rejected-with good reason-he accepted without remorse. He lifted Kirk easily and placed him on the bed gently. "Where would you like to start?" Kirk inhaled sharply. Now that they were actually moving onto this, he had no idea. Spock waited patiently for his decision which took quite a bit of time to be made.

He had decided that he would lie on his belly, without a shirt, and see where it would go from there. Panic was crawling over him again as he laid tensely in such a vulnerable position. Minutes inched by as he waited for Spock to move. He flinched when his Vulcan finally did. He moved to the otherside of the bed so that he was now between Kirk and the wall; which gave Kirk an escape route if needed. He didn't straddle Kirk as he expected him too. His hot hands gently spread over Kirk's back, making him groan happily. Despite all the panic and constant worry, Kirk loved Spock's hands on him. They were long, thin, and yet stronger than titanium but they were always gentle. By the end of the massage, he was boneless and so relaxed that he thought he could melt into the bed. Sleep was chasing away his thoughts, making it difficult to concentrate on Spock.

"Huh?" He mumbled once he realized Spock had been speaking to him.

"Was the massage satisfactory?" Spock said close to his ear. No touch of panic at Spock's intimacy, so he rolled onto his side until he was facing the Vulcan. Spock tried to give him space, but Kirk had no energy for it. He grabbed Spock's hand and laid it flat against his chest before working his fingers along his arm. He locked eyes with Spock through half lidded eyes, and smiled lazily at him. Spock's fingertips rubbed gently against the chest hair under them. Kirk moaned softly, but didnt stop his ministrations. "You are tired." Spock observed. Kirk shook his head.

"Relaxed. Truly relaxed. For the first time in a long time." He let go of Spock's hand and it slid down his chest to rest flat against his belly. Almost like he was a woman who was pregnant. He placed his hand over Spock's and chuckled slightly at the thought. What a silly thought to have. Giddiness was the culprit. He felt no panic, no fear, or any other negative effect. Just relaxation, peace, and love. "Thank you."

"May I kiss you?" Spock whispered as he dipped his head so it was a few inches from Kirk's.

"Yes." Kirk replied breathlessly. Spock's lips pressed against his and moved against his slowly and gently. There was no urgency in the contact, or force. It was simple, and he loved the feel of it. He brought his hand to Spock's cheek, and moved him slightly to give Spock a better angle. The Vulcan's tongue swiped across his lips causing him to gasp and allow the tongue a slow exploration. He couldn't handle anymore then that though. Spock withdrew as soon as he felt the peace slip, but left his hand firmly against his human's belly.

"You should sleep." Spock whispered softly, he moved his hand in a small circular motion, which made Kirk smile and giggle.

"Only if you lay down too." Kirk whispered, and so Spock did. They nestled against each other under the blanket, and Spock's hand made its way back to his belly. It stayed there for the remainder of the night, and when Kirk awoke the next morning, his hand was on top of Spock's and their fingers were interlocked.

"Mornin'." He mumbled as he rolled in a blind search for Spock's lips, sleep momentarily making him forget reality. He was met halfway by Spock's lips, and they kissed for a long time before panic started to engulf him. "Babe-" He started to say, but shut his mouth. Spock looked at him quizzically, and waited for Kirk to continue. "I got to get to class." Kirk mumbled, as he darted out of bed.

"Jim." He heard Spock call to him from the kitchen. He poked his head around the bathroom door with a toothbrush stuck in his mouth. "What does "babe" mean?" Kirk ducked back into the bathroom. Dammit, he caught the word. It wasn't even that big of a deal, but usually he reserved the nickname for his lovers that made it past two nights. He had called Gary it for quite awhile before Gary started raping him. Then the names he came up for the man were something along the lines of asshole.

"Its just a nickname." Kirk called back, trying to sound nonchalant about it. "I wont call you it again." Kirk said solemnly.

"I do not mind." The Vulcan replied from too close. Kirk looked up and found him standing in the door. He ducked his head, and suddenly felt a little trapped. Spock stepped out of the doorway, and off to the side.

"Im sorry." He whispered. He hated this thing that he became. He hated that he couldn't let Spock's hands roam where ever they wished, and hated how he couldn't even let the Vulcan stand in the door of his own bathroom.

"Do not be sorry, Jim." Spock said softly. "There is nothing to be sorry for." Spock watched him for a second before going back into the kitchen. Kirk finished brushing his teeth, moved to the kitchen, kissed Spock lightly, and then headed for the door. "Babe." He stopped dead, and turned to look at a very amused Vulcan. "You forgot your paDD." Kirk laughed hysterically on his way out the door.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mistakes are my own. Tried to fix them but I may have missed some. I know there is a point where it says "the Kirk" couldn't find it to fix it lol. I tried to put all their mind melds in italics but I may have missed some. Sorry ahead of time.

When Kirk returned home with Spock in tow a couple of weeks later, he was feeling like he could take on the Klingon army. That day, Spock had kissed him in public, and not even a hint of panic touched his body. Uhura had been present, and she had squealed like a school girl, and congratulated him extensively. McCoy had also been present, and he looked for all the world like he was about to be sick. Kirk had blushed deeply, and smiled happily at the retreating Vulcan.

Spock for all intents and purposes, had only kissed Kirk because another male was eyeing him. He had felt possessive of his love, and felt the need to claim him. The male had quickly adverted his gaze, for which Spock was thankful. Mission accomplished, Spock had rushed from the scene. Public displays were simply not something Vulcan's did.

Now, Kirk was picking up the random tidbits of jealously from Spock, and he found himself elated from them. Spock had been jealous of another male. Even with all this back and forth, and Spock's reassurances, that had just lifted Kirk's confidence.

He stopped in the kitchen, and turned around with the counter at his back. Spock was watching him from the foyer, and hadn't come further into the room.

"May I kiss you?" Spock asked in an almost predatory whisper. Kirk felt a jolt of excitement, dashed with cold fear.

"Yes." He answered quietly, not trusting his voice any louder than that. Spock stalked over to him, kissed him lightly, and then disappeared into the bathroom. Kirk was left feeling struck dumb, and a little cold. What the fuck just happened? He went surfing along the bond, and was frozen by what he found there. Spock was slipping in control. He wanted to claim Kirk so there was no one else who could challenge it. It was primal. It was animalistic. It was sexy. It was a little scary. He could hear Spock pacing back and forth behind the locked door.

Come out, come out, where ever you are. Kirk said to Spock through the bond. A growl bubbled up through the bond, and Kirk heard Spock come to a stand still. Spock.

Do not. My control is already faltering. That went straight to Kirk's dick.

A game? Kirk's old self loved these types of games. He never thought in a zillion years that Spock would get worked up over something so simple as Kirk being checked out. He had seen the guy, and remembered thinking, sorry but I'm taken. Taken by a sexy Vulcan who was so much a gentlemen that he went as far as locking himself up in his own bathroom. Memories of the last time Spock lost control welled up in his head, and spurred on his dick further.

Spock made a noise, and for a second, Kirk thought he'd rip through the door. Nothing happened though. Spock stayed locked away, and it was Kirk's job to pull him back out again.

"Spock, come here." He said loud enough for his Vulcan to hear. Spock didn't respond. He stayed locked in, and Kirk waited. He felt along the bond, and found that Spock had fallen into a meditation. Getting his control back. Fine. He slid into the bed, and waited.

It was a good two hours before Spock came out of the bathroom. Kirk was asleep, and it was quiet in his room safe for Kirk's light snoring. He slid into bed beside Kirk, and his human rolled until he was halfway on top of him. More meditation. Spock thought to himself.

"There you are." Kirk mumbled against his chest. "Took you long enough." Spock felt his control slip again. "Spock talk to me." Kirk said. He was using the bond against him now.

"I do not believe talking about it would be conducive at this point." Spock said.

"I think it is. You deal with enough of my shit. I'm sure I can handle some of yours." Kirk said. He was more awake now, and shifted so he could look up at Spock. His brown eyes were adverted, and his mind was withholding. "Come on." Kirk said a little exasperated. Spock finally looked at him, and his eyes were dilated with arousal.

"I needed to claim you as mine." Spock whispered. "I didn't like that man staring at you so openly. You are mine, and I will not allow for other people to try and change that." Kirk should have felt offended that he didn't get a say one way or another on the matter, but he wasn't. To be honest he wasn't sure he could ever be with anyone else.

"Then claim me." Kirk said softly. Spock's nostrils flared, and he flew out of the bed. He paced over to the kitchen and leaned his head against the cold metal cabinet.

"I will not claim you unwillingly." Spock said after a few minutes of calming down.

"Well, it wont be unwilling." Kirk started as he sat up. "Just take it slow. If I panic then we know it wont work. You've been giving me massages for awhile now, and you kissed me today, and I didn't freak out." Spock didn't turn to look at Kirk like he expected him to. He didn't move from his spot. "I'm willing to try if it'll give you peace." Kirk said finally. He wanted to say that he was in love with Spock. He wanted to say that he wanted to stay with Spock for the rest of his life. But his voice stopped before the words left his lips.

"Ok." Spock said softly. Kirk felt fear coming through the bond. Fear of losing control, and being rough with him. Of frightening Kirk.

"You told me when this bond was formed that you wouldn't be able to harm me. You proved that today by locking yourself in the bathroom. It'll be ok. I trust you." Kirk said. Spock slowly came over to Kirk and knelt on the bed. Kirk got up on his knees, and kissed his pointy eared guy. The Vulcan let out a growl, and nipped lightly at Kirk's lips until he opened up to him. Their tongues moved and clashed against one another leaving them both breathless. Spock's hands found their way to the hem of Kirk's shirt, and were slowly making their way to the skin hidden beneath.

Suddenly, Kirk's shirt was gone, and Spock's mouth was leaving little love marks along his throat. His own hands were scrambling to get Spock's shirt off, but Spock wouldn't cease his marking.

"Spock." Kirk panted. He got a grunt in turn, and he couldn't bring himself to say anything more because Spock had found a really good spot. "Spock, do you have lube?" Spock sat back, nodded, disregarded his shirt, and went into the bathroom. When he came back he presented an unopened bottle of lube. He climbed back into bed again, and he resumed his ministrations as if he never stopped. Kirk wrapped his arms around Spock's head, and held on. He concentrated on feeling all the good feelings, and not the bad ones. He tried not to think about the hardness that was against his thigh, and that any minute now that hardness would be piercing him.

Tentatively, he reached between their bodies, and touched Spock's hardness. Spock stopped in the middle of sucking on a nipple, and looked up at him. Kirk's hand moved away, but then he touched it again. Wincing slightly as if he thought it would bite him. Spock stayed completely still, and allowed Kirk full reign. The abused man took a deep breathe, brought his other hand down to Spock's belt and clumsily started to unbuckle it. Spock waited. Then waited some more. Kirk chuckled when he dipped into Spock's consciousness only to find him going through an equation to distract himself.

"I'm sorry. Its been awhile." Kirk said nervously. Finally, his hand wrapped around it, and Spock inhaled sharply. He just left his hand where it connected with Spock's velvety steely flesh, and took long and deep breathes. "It... He has two ridges." Kirk said with a slightly hysterical chuckle. Spock's eyebrow went to it's usual heavenward position.

"He?" Spock whispered bemusedly. Kirk laughed again.

"Yes, he." Kirk replied.

"Vulcan women are hard to get pregnant, so the double ridges serve to distribute the semen better." Spock said in sharp and clinical tones.

"Ah." Kirk said.

"You are afraid." Spock stated. Kirk didn't need to dip into his head to know that he was about to re-cloth himself, and stop all activity.

"You are a lot thicker than I was expecting." Kirk replied, giving a nervous chuckle. "He's green. I forgot that Vulcan's have green blood." Kirk said, trying to distract himself as well as Spock. He could feel his own erection flagging, but Spock was still standing proud.

"We should stop." Spock stated, completely ignoring Kirk's babbling.

"No." Kirk said weakly. "We've made it this far." He wasn't picking anything up off Spock now. His brain was blank, but the arousal was there. It was weighing his hand down.

"You are freaking out." Spock said, and there was just the slightest quirk of his lips. Kirk laughed, and one of his hands made it inadvertently to his ear to play with it. Spock's nostrils flared slightly, and suddenly his mind was afire with thoughts and feelings, but then it was blank again. He realized that Spock was closing him out. Keeping the pressure off of him. It was sweet, and he was pretty sure that he'd be panicking if he could read Spock's thoughts.

"Yes." Kirk answered finally. "Only a little bit." He continued. "Just give me a minute." He did some more deep breathing, and sought out the Vulcan's lips for some sweet kisses. His hand started to move clumsily along Spock's cock, but his strokes were very slow.

"We got to just get me out of my pants, and then get some lube and fingers in me. Then we are home free." Kirk mumbled almost to himself. Suddenly the ridges came to life, and opened up wide. He gasped, and stayed his hand. "What was that?" Spock didn't answer for a long time. Almost to the point Kirk didn't think he was going to.

"They spread to distribute the semen better." Spock said softly. It was too soft. Too controlled. Kirk's forehead broke out in a sweat. "Much like a human woman's vagina spreads and contracts when she orgasms."

"Oh." Kirk chuckled.

"Perhaps you would be more comfortable if you were on top." Spock said, changing the subject. Kirk stared at him slack jawed for a moment before nodding. He'd be in control. But he didn't want to be in control, because he didn't know what to do.

"Let's get my pants off." He said softly. Spock nodded, reached forward and started to undo the Kirk's belt. He left feather light kisses all over his human's face. He laid down on his back, with his head on his pillow, and finally stopped touching Spock's dick. He felt kinda lost without it in his hands. If he had it in his hands at least then it wasn't going into his ass.

The Vulcan himself, worked Jim's pants down his legs. He slowly made his way back up Kirk's legs. He was kissing, and licking his way back up. Occasionally, he would find a pleasurable spot, but more often than not he would find a ticklish spot. When he reached his destination, he continued his slow and gentle pace. He started by suckling gently at the tip of Jim's cock, and waited until the cool flesh was stiff and angry red before moving onto to his next goal. His fingers closed around the bottle of lube, and he felt all that was Kirk stiffened at the sound of the lid opening.

The process of getting him open for Spock, was a long painful one. It was mixed with pleasure, but mostly it was a slow agony buring its way through Kirk. Spock was rewriting him. Making him come to know the pleasures instead of the pains. He used his tongue, and fingers to remap every little traumatized spot on Kirk's lower half. By the time that he slid home, Kirk was somewhere between the best orgasm of his life, and the worst panic attack in the last three years.

He held his hands above his head, with the fingers tightly clenched together until the knuckles were white. His back was bowed off the bed against Spock's chest, and his muscles were clenched tightly around Spock's organ. For a long time, they remained like that. Spock wasnt going to move unless Kirk was ready for him, and honestly he was distractedly trying to track which way Kirk's emotions were swinging. When it seemed that nothing was going to break, Spock reached up with one of his hands, and pried Kirk's hands apart. He instead intertwined his hand with one of Kirk's, and allowed his human to hold onto him. His other hand reached for Kirk's psy points, but the human wrenched his face away as if he had been slapped. Spock shifted so he could look down into his Jim's face, and was surprised by what he found. Kirk's face was pinched in a look of pure agony, his breathe was uneven and ragged, and he looked like he could be silently screaming. Tears rolled down his face and soaked into the pillow.

"Jim." He called softly. When Kirk didn't answer him, he started to pull out of the cool body beneath his. Before he got all the way out though, the human twisted violently, and slammed his hips up against Spock's. He paused for only a brief second before continuing a harsh pace. "No!" Spock snapped, and tried to get at Kirk's psy points. The human was thrashing, and writhing beneath him, and it was all he could do to try and get a good hold. He would not restrain Kirk though it would make this easier.

Without him realizing it, Kirk had fallen into a panic attack, and now was reliving an attack in his mind. Spock was trying desperately to get in his head, and clear out the ghost of a man who was now locked away for good. He started to disentangle himself from Kirk instead of trying to get into his head. The human fought against him hard, both trying to keep in contact, and trying to get away, but the Vulcan soon won out. He withdrew from Kirk completely, and fell off the side of his bed. His hand was still clutched Kirk's and it was their only point of contact.

_He forced the bond open between them, and was immediately sucked into the war zone that was Kirk's mind. There was chaos where ever he turned, so he ran straight for what looked like the middle of it. Kirk was face first on the ground, blood oozed from his abused anus, and their were angry green bites all over his back and neck. The human was screaming, but there was no sound to be heard of it. McCoy, Spock, Uhura, Sulu, and Chekhov all stood off to one side watching him being raped with a certain disinterest. In fact they were all whispering back and forth between each other. But Spock, he wasn't disinterested. He was angry that Kirk was being hurt and no one was stopping it._

_"Uhura!" He barked at the woman. She turned to look at him, and suddenly she was no longer passively watching the scene. She jumped in to grab whoever was raping her friend. "Sulu, Chekhov!" Spock shouted next. The doctor was the first one to react. He sprang into action, and tried to help Uhura pull the man off. Next Sulu, and Chekhov joined the struggle. That left Spock himself. He went straight for Kirk. He touched Kirk's sweating face, and touched his lips to Kirk's. "You are safe now." Spock said against those feverish lips. The scene changed, and then it was just Kirk and Spock laying lazily in a meadow. Kirk was spread out on his side, and the Vulcan was pressed against the back of his body._

_"Do you think this will ever go away?" Kirk asked softly, and solemnly. His eyes tracked a far off storm cloud, that was hours away from hitting. Spock nodded his head, but then remembered that Kirk couldnt see him._

_"It will." Spock said softly. "We just have to beat it."_

_"I don't want to leave here." Kirk said._

_"Then don't." Spock replied._

_"Will you stay with me?" Kirk asked._

_"For now." Spock answered. "I cannot stay forever."_

_One thing Spock had noticed during the whole thing, was that everyone in Jim's life weren't enough to keep Gary away. Even here, where Spock had taken him, the thought of Gary still loomed. He realized that Kirk was the only one who could make Gary go away for good. The fight they just had, had to be fought by Kirk and Kirk alone._

_Slowly, he disentangled himself, sat up, and started to dig in the grass beside them. Here in the recesses of Kirk's mind, he planted the idea. The idea, that Kirk needed to expel Gary once and for all, without Spock. That this was one battle that Spock could not fight for him. Kirk sat up after a moment and looked over at Spock's handiness. A small white rose budded under Spock's hands in the earth. Hopefully, this would be for the best._

When they exited Kirk's mind, the human rolled to the edge of the bed and looked down at his poor naked Vulcan. Spock met his eyes, and stood up to go and put some clothes back on. Kirk didn't let go of his hand, which made Spock stop and turn back around to look at Kirk. His human buried his face against his outstretched arm, and mumbled something.

"No need for an apology." Spock replied. He knelt on the floor next to Kirk's head, and nuzzled at the human's throat. Kirk moaned softly, and wrapped his free arm around Spock's shoulder.

"I don't deserve you." He mumbled. Spock shook his head. Why did he have to be so down on himself?

"I will no longer accept such discussions." He said pointedly and sharply. Kirk jerked, but gripped him tighter to him.

"Ok." He said weakly. He started to cry. I hate myself. I hate what I've become. Spock didn't answer, and kept his shields firmly in place so Kirk couldn't feel the barely controlled anger. For the first time since that night he found Kirk, he wished he hadn't sent Gary to jail, and merely killed him instead.  
~~~~~  
The next morning, Kirk arrived to his first class on time. Despite the fuck up of last night, he was still feeling pretty good. He was feeling like he could finally tell Spock that he loved him. Maybe even do something nice for his Vulcan this evening. He went to meet Uhura after his class, and asked her what a good option would be to do for Spock.

"He likes bathes." She softly. Kirk started at that. How would Uhura know if Spock liked bathes? He gave her a suspicious glare, which she laughed wholeheartedly at.

"We dated for a little bit once upon a time." She told Kirk. He found himself struck a little stupid in the head, and he did and didn't want to ask if they had sex. "And to answer your next question, we did not have sex." She continued, as if reading his mind. "We mutually broke it off before it got that far. He doesn't like to go out much. Sure he'll meet for lunch and dinner, but nothing else." That information didn't bother Kirk much. He had done quite enough 'going out' in the last three years thank you.

"So a bath huh?" He said softly. He thought about last night. About his panic attack, and the miracle Spock pulled out of his ass to bring Kirk out of it. Their failed attempt at sex, and all the failures that Kirk felt for it.

His phone rang before Uhura could answer. He was distracted, and didn't check the caller id like he usually did. Otherwise he wouldn't have answered the call. It was Gary. Calling him from prison. It had been the first time he had heard from his rapist since that night.

"Hello?"

"Hi, Jimmy." Gary voice was like razor blades woven in silk. His world shifted violently, his head got light, and started to swim. Blood coursed through his vein's and he was breathing so hard that it felt like he wasn't breathing at all.

"Gary?" He gasped into the phone. Uhura had put her hand on his shoulder, but startled into grabbing the phone out of Kirk's hand at the name. Not before he heard Gary's eager reply.

"Missed my dick so much that you are breathless to hear from me? Some things never change, whore." Kirk fell forward to his knees, and in that moment he relived every single nasty thing Gary did to him. Uhura tried to help, but he flinched and twisted violently from her. She pulled out her phone to dial Spock, not knowing that he was already there in Kirk's head, and trying to help his love. Next thing she knew, she was hanging up the phone, and was struck across the head.

"Jim!" She shouted before her world turned very dark.  
~~~~~  
He heard someone scream as something forced its way into him. Or maybe that was him screaming? There was a loud crack causing the scream to cut off abruptly, and he couldn't think anymore for some reason. All he knew was there was something in him, it hurt, and it was moving inside of him. Then there was a different sound. The sound of someone else entering the room. Voices and then the presence inside him was gone. He was empty for all of ten seconds before the world flipped upside down and he was abruptly entered again. A set of grimy hands pulled at his sides, causing a grunting noise to escape, and there was exploding pain. He was shifted around, and he felt himself go vertical instead of horizontal. His legs hung limply on either side of a man's hips. Arms wrapped around his sides sending sparks of pain up and down his spine. He couldn't remember how he broke his ribs. Or if it was his ribs broken or someone else's. A second set of grimy hands made contact with him. No. That wasn't right. No! Someone screamed a blood curdling scream before there was another crack across the skull. The whole world went dark for a little bit, but he was brought crashing back into it as his entrance was split wide open over a second object joining the first inside of him. Not an object-his mind supplied rather delayed-two human cocks.

"Whore." The first man swore at him as he got a face full of spit. "Look, he likes it." A filthy hand wrapped around his semi hard cock. No! He screamed in his head. Don't touch me there! There were fingers pinching harshly at his nipples: twisting, and pulling violently at them.

"I heard he likes to be bitten." A sharp pain in his shoulder told him that he was indeed bitten by the second man. "Hurry, make him come. This filthy whore is too loose, and it'll tighten him up." Maybe if they hadn't shoved two dicks into him at the same time then maybe he would still be tight. He thought ruefully. He realized that Spock would no longer enjoy him after this. Spock. He loved Spock. Loved him so much that it hurt. He wished he'd told Spock that before this. Wished with his whole heart that he could see Spock one last time. It was becoming abundantly clear that he was not walking out of this one, due to their continued brutality against him. Again he was struck across the face.

They pulled out of him after they forced him to come. They said something about him still not being tight enough, and forced him to his knees. Apparently, his throat was tight enough for them. They each came down his throat and over his face. There was a flash, and he knew they had taken a photo. The two men lifted him and placed him face down on a table. They put practically medieval manacles around his wrists and ankles; running the chains under the table. They forced him onto his knees, and inserted something into him. It was rubbery and he realized slowly that it was expanding inside him. He grunted as it grew to uncomfortable times seven inside of him. Each slapped his golden globes several times before leaving him on the table and exiting the room. The butt plug was horribly painful to say the least. If he lay flat the pressure only grew worse, and the burning was constant. Laying flat was a bit more comfortable than laying on his face, however.

Slowly, over what he estimated to be a few hours but was only a few minutes, he took stock of his situation.

_A panic attack was quickly forming in his chest. It was disorienting, all consuming, and hard for him to remember how to breathe.The storm was coming and engulfing him again. A chorus of voices rose out of the thunder booming all around him._

_You are not good enough for Spock._

_You are a whore._

_You liked everything I did to you._

_He will soon discover how worthless you are._

_You will never become a Captain._

_No one will promote someone so worthless._

_The voices were crippling. He fell hard to his knees, and barely caught himself with his hands as he was forced forward by the force of the voices. Tears rolled down his face, and dripped to the ground. A small puddle formed where his tears pooled, and from that a little white rose bud started to bloom. He laughed. It was a hysterical, sad, and a devastating laugh. He reached out and touched it._

_Fight back. Spock's cool, calm, and soothing voice whispered to him._

_Fight back._

_He braced his hands against the ground, and pushed himself up with all his strength._

_Fight back._

_His teeth grit together as his chest rose two feet off the ground._

_Fight back._

_He made it to his knees, and was pushing himself up to his feet. He was yelling now with the effort._

_Fight back!_

_"I am perfect for Spock!" He screamed. The cloud parted, but quickly closed again. The voices rose in tempo, and started to press in at him again. "I am not a whore! I hated everything you did to me. I hate you. I hate what I have become!" The cloud parted again, and this time it took longer for it to close, and start pressing in again. "I am not worthless. I am James Tiberius Kirk. I love Spock and I will be the greatest Captain Earth has ever seen." The cloud burst, and he was left standing in a field of Iowa corn, and the sun was shining high and bright in the sky._

He came back to himself, and realized he could see him again. That there was no room in his heart for no win situations. That he could and would see Spock again, and Spock would have to live with the fact that Kirk's ass was not tight. If he couldnt then he'd have to live with Kirk using his ass, dammit. He would make Spock understand how much he loves him, and how much they are meant to be together, and that Kirk would mark him just as much as he wanted to mark Kirk. Claim him as his own, and never allow anyone to contest it.

He jangled the chains to see what give they would allow. Not much. The burning was dull now, but if he moved too much, everything just plain hurt. Experimently, he rocked the table, and found that it had a wonky leg. Wonky legs were good. Annoying, but good. Very helpful in this situation. He'd heard once that if animals that were desperate enough, they would chew off their own paw to escape. He didnt even have to think to know that he was desperate enough to see Spock. He couldnt reach his hand to cut it off, but the table wobbled. If he broke his hand just right he could get his hand free of the manacle... Yeah, this was going to hurt.

He stood on shaky legs once the hand was broken and he had one hand free. Moving the table so he could get his legs free had been quite the feat. His stomach flipped and his head swam. He waited for it to clear and thought of what to do next. They'd left him in an unlocked cage, and he hoped that they were gone. Killing them with one hand and a chain didnt sound pausible. He reached out to the spot where Spock's presence was in his head. Still nothing. What did they do to him? Maybe he was in the building somewhere? He set about looking for him, as well as for the exit. As soon as he started to wonder around a bit, something started to tug at him. Without a logical explaination, he knew it was the way to Spock.  
~~~~~  
Spock awoke slowly. Everything was blurred, and his mind felt like it was running a snail race. Drugged. He remembered the sting of the hypo, the struggle against the two men. They'd caught him while he was trying to mentally help Kirk through a panic attack. Normally the panic attack wouldn't have been a big deal, however they were at a great distance and Kirk's mind was infinitely more complex than Spock had originally realized. Kirk's mind subconsciously sealed the conscious portion away from the mental/emotional barrage. All the other panic attacks, Spock had been there for them. Had been able to touch Kirk, and his subconscious didn't have time to seal him away. Distance had allowed his subconscious the time it needed, and it took Spock sometime to burrow through that seal. Almost as soon as he broke through, and was taking care of Kirk, two men shot him with a hypo, and hit him over the head.

He took stock of himself now, and slowly his brain processed the smells and sensations he was getting. Iron, so blood. Pain, but not his own. Sex. His left side was warm and pressed against something sort of solid where his right side was cold. He could hear breathing besides his own so he was close to someone. Belatedly, his brain took stock of the final smell. It was familiar and welcome to him so he could understand how he missed it.

"Jim." His voice slurred, and he knew that he still had the drug in his system. He skimmed along Kirk's presence, and came to the conclusion that he was unconcious, and he was in a great deal of pain and quite uncomfortable. "Jim." He forced himself to say properly, and in a more urgent tone. He could feel Kirk's mind stir just slightly, so he rolled, and wrapped his arms around his human. "Jim, you need to wake up." He pressed against their bond while speaking out loud.

"Huh?" His human groaned. Pain registered in Spock just as Kirk was experiencing it. Burning from the plug that was still inside him. His head swimming from the blows he'd taken. Broken ribs that his arm was pressing against, and a self inflicted broken wrist. One good thing about all that pain was it cleared Spock's head most effectively while igniting a blood thirsty flame inside of him.

_Ill kill them. How dare they? His booming voice resounded in Kirk's head. It bounced back and forth like a pinball and made Kirk's headache that much worse. Kirk jumped up causing more pain to shoot through both of them._

"Spock!" Kirk yelped as he was pulled hard against his lover. "Spock, please. Calm down." Kirk pushed how frightened he was through their bond, and instantly Spock released him. He wasn't exactly afraid of Spock, but more frightened of what Spock might do with his rage.

"My apologies." He said softly. Kirk just snuggled right back up to him. Mindful of his injuries though.

"No need." Kirk mumbled sleepily. "I need help though." He said softly. "This butt plug just needs to go." Spock agreed. He could feel as Kirk felt, and he didn't understand how Kirk could've slept with it inside him. "I didn't sleep." Kirk supplied. "I fell unconscious." Spock moved his hands to Kirk's buttocks before reaching for the plug. Easily he snapped the valve holding the air in, and the plug immediately deflated. His human gasped, and scrambled to find purchase as Spock slid the object out of him. "Thanks." He huffed into Spock's shoulder.

"I will take care of these chains." Spock said softly. He broke them easily with his Vulcan strength.

"Oh god, much better." Kirk moaned. He pressed himself closer to Spock, but hissed when his wounds protested. Spock did a quick scan of his emotions, and was admittedly surprised to only find peace, comfort, and safety.

"We are still in captivity." Spock said softly trying to understand Kirk.

"Hmm-mmm." Kirk hummed. He started to kiss Spock's neck lazily.

"I do not understand."

"I had to hack the door open." Kirk sighed heavily. He didn't look up at Spock, because he didn't need to. He really didn't even need to continue explaining because Spock could just see it. "So I hacked it to only open at my command. For now, we are safe. I don't know how long I've been in here, but I've probably already been missed." Spock dipped into the memories, but was suddenly closed off from them. A titanium wall came crashing down and his brain was still too sluggish to do much of anything about it. Kirk pulled away from him, and looked into his eyes. "What are you trying to find?" His voice was cold, and as if the rest of him was cold too; he shivered.

"I do not understand the emotions I am getting from you." Spock replied, his voice only a little slurred now. The drug was clearing out quickly, which was good. Kirk sighed, and lay flat on his back a few inches away from Spock. His Vulcan was on the edge of his consciousness, but wasn't probing further now that Kirk put a wall into place.

"It was apparent that I was going to be killed." He whispered, and started at a growl rumbling its way out of Spock's chest. "They let me see their faces, and the way they kept beating me, I just knew. I thought that I wouldn't be able to see you one last time before they did kill me. That hurt a lot more than them forcing themselves on me, or even the thought of being killed. I had to see you no matter what."

"I will not allow them to touch you again." Spock snarled. He pulled Kirk against him again, and held him there. "I will not fail again." He got a clear admission of guilt that was working its way to cloud Spock's mind.

_There was nothing you could have done. Kirk said to Spock, and waving his hand through the guilty mist. They knew what they were doing. Got Gary to call me and set me into a panic attack so you would be distracted while they captured you. Knew what drugs to use to incapacitate a Vulcan._

_No excuses._

_Its not an excuse. Just plain logic. If you hadn't been helping me through the panic attack, then you would've been able to subdue them._

Both of them startled out of each other's minds when Spock heard voices on the other side of the door. They were inaudible to Kirk's human ears. Spock jumped up, and told Kirk 'on my mark' in his head. Kirk nodded, and tried to stand on wobbly feet. Spock indicated that he sit his ass back down before he fell back down, or at least that's how Kirk read the gesture since Vulcan's don't cuss. The voices drew nearer, and one of them tried the door.

"Goddammit, why wont this fucking thing open?" Spock tensed, ready for the moment, and Kirk tensed with him. Spock started a count down in his head, and as soon as he reached one, Kirk shouted for the door to open. Spock took a great leap out the door and landed on the first guy, who dropped his gun with a yelp of surprise. The other guy fell backwards in surprise and started to pot shot in the general direction of the Vulcan. Spock leaped again, landed on the second guy, snatched his gun, and Vulcan pinched him in all one move.

Kirk moved to the door and stared out at his soulmate with awe. The leaps had been graceful, even beautiful, but scary in their deadliness. His face was frozen in what seemed to be a silent snarl. Spock slowly turned around to face Kirk, but the snarl and the aggressiveness had fallen off, and then he was just Spock. Stoic, quiet, emotionless Spock. Kirk knew he loved this man.

Kirk came up to his love, and buried his face against Spock's chest. He had to pull Spock's arms around his waist, and he breathed in his scent. He skimmed along the bond to find out what was in Spock's head.

Devastation at his anger. His lack of control when it came to Kirk and a thought that caught Kirk's whole attention. _If I was fully Vulcan, I could stay in control, and not scare my T'hy'la._

Kirk wrenched back in Spock's hold, and looked up into his face. The walls fell firmly into place around the thought, but it was too late. Slowly, he let the walls slip away. No point in concealing it any longer. It was something close to Spock's greatest secret. He felt inadequate to be what Kirk needed. Kirk sighed, and pressed his face against Spock's chest again.

"You are perfect." He whispered. He hated to think that Spock could be more closed off than he was now. He liked it because his control helped him with so many things, but when it came to the Vulcan's own insecurities, Spock's control was just plain pesky.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> HAHA! I am so excited! I found almost all the stuff I lost off my phone in my email! I had no idea that it was in there at all! I am so excited to be sharing this next chapter with you, and hopefully the final chapter with you guys too. Thank you for sticking around, and thank you for reading.
> 
> So this chapter actually follows the first movie (2009). I really didn't want to go through the entire thing, and type everything out, so I just kinda highlighted the important parts of the film.
> 
> I don't own anything.

Spock left Kirk with their unconscious assailants while he searched for an exit or a communicator. They had checked the men, and neither one of them had one on their person. He had left his lover behind because he didn’t want Kirk moving around too much with his injuries. The building they were in was some sort of old warehouse that had miscellaneous heavy equipment parked on the cement floor. He had tried the big warehouse doors, but neither would not open. He went up the stairs and found the office with a computer. The Vulcan dialed up Admiral Pike, and told him what happened.

Bones fussed after Kirk while the police took their statements, and locked up the bastards who kidnapped them. Kirk laughed as McCoy shooed the paramedics away, and told them off when they tried to give Kirk something he was allergic to. Spock remained silent, and hovered near Kirk the whole time. Finally, they were released to go home. Spock took his battered human home, cleaned him up, and put him to bed. The next morning, Kirk dragged his abused self out of his bed, and went to take the Kobayashi Maru. This was the third time that he was taking the test, and honestly Kirk was just tired of failing the test. He rewrote the program so the Klingon ship’s shields would fail, and then he had Uhura open fire on the ship. Little did he know that Spock was watching the whole thing, and he was the one who created the test.

“How the hell did he beat your test?” Pike asked Spock.

“I have no idea.” Spock replied with as much sass as he could muster. He worked late into the night and discovered the program Kirk used to cheat. He filled out a report and submitted it to Captain Pike.

It was surreal looking up at Spock who had accused him of being dishonorable. His Spock. The man that saved him over and over, was now staring down at him coldly like a parent staring disapprovingly at their child. Kirk felt like he'd been stabbed in the back, and the knife twisted. Spock didn’t tell him that he was the one to come up with the test. Had he been planning this from the beginning? Why hadn’t he told him when he said he was taking the test? Does Spock feel like Kirk is a threat?

                It had never occurred to Spock in all his logical calculations, just how different humans were from Vulcans. For instance, he never imagined that Kirk would learn how to close him out of his mind so quickly. The human had learned that if he just built a steel wall around the things he didn’t want Spock to know that Spock couldn’t see them. It also surprised Spock that there were thoughts and feelings that Kirk would want to hide from him. Being a Vulcan it was natural to have a mate that one would share all thoughts and feelings with. From Spock’s limited understanding, there was no such thing as privacy between mates. Another thing that surprised Spock about Kirk, was the hurt, and anger that exploded through the bond when he stood to show himself to Kirk at the disciplinary hearing. Kirk had cheated on the Kobayashi Maru, and since Vulcans do not lie, Spock had told the truth when he discovered the program that Kirk used to hack the test. He cheated therefore logically he would be held accountable for his actions, so Spock did not understand Kirk’s illogical emotions on the matter. Kirk was stunned to say the least, and he glared harshly at Spock, as he laid out his argument.

                “The test itself is a cheat.” Kirk said looking to the committee. “It’s a no-win situation. I don’t believe in no-win situations.” He said pointedly to Spock.

                “You failed to divine the purpose of the test.” Spock responded carefully.

                “Oh yeah? Then enlighten me on what the purpose is.” Kirk retorted with barely controlled frustration.

                “The purpose to (do what your father did on your birth right).” Spock replied coolly. Kirk stared at him in shock, and looked away at the mention of his father. Of course, his father’s legacy was still haunting him. Before he could retort however, the committee announced an emergency on Vulcan and ordered everyone to their ships. Spock looked as though he wanted to speak to Kirk, but he quickly turned away and rushed to the loading docks. Spock felt relief that Kirk wouldn’t be able to get on a ship. He worried for his injured mate, even though he was illogically mad at Spock currently. Kirk kept his steel walls firmly in place, and didn’t even think about the Vulcan as he fell into parade rest beside his classmates. The lieutenant announcing what ships everyone was assigned to did not tell Kirk what ship he was assigned too.

                “Lieutenant, you didn’t call my name.”

                “James T. Kirk, you are on academic probation pending the outcome of the disciplinary hearing. You are grounded.” The lieutenant told him abrasively. Kirk turned to look at McCoy with a look of longing. He tried to be a man and hide it but McCoy could tell he was disappointed. Even with the sudden change in his attitude lately, the good doctor could still see the shadow of the sad creature Kirk had been. The doctor tried to walk away from Kirk, and get on the Enterprise, but he stopped, sighed heavily, and returned to Kirk.

                “I know I am going to regret this, but come on.” McCoy managed to get Kirk on board the Enterprise, but he had to hypo him to be unconscious for a while.

When Kirk awoke, he started at Chekhov informing the ship about what they were floating into. The storm had occurred on the day of his birth. The same storm. It was happening again. He ran through the halls, with McCoy firmly on his ass. He was trying to explain as he went but Bones kept stabbing him with a fresh hypo that seemed to materialize in his hand. He found Uhura on the way, and she was very forth coming with information. He grabbed her wrist and dragged her and McCoy onto the bridge.

He reported to Pike what he knew, and simultaneously shot Spock a venomously glare when he tried to inform Pike that Kirk wasn’t supposed to be on board. Pike, for his part, ignored Spock, for which Kirk was grateful. Spock, on the other hand, was panicking about Kirk being onboard. If what he said was true, Spock was not going to like what came next. Sure enough, Pike had granted Kirk the rank of first officer, and Spock the rank Captain in his absence. He also sent Kirk down into combat despite Spock's protests that Kirk was injured.

He only had a small window of relief when Kirk returned safely. Only a second before he himself was beaming down to the planet to safe his mother, father, and the rest of the council members. Kirk sat waiting in the transporter room, and wiggled the entire time waiting for Spock to return. When he did, without his mother, he had to grab his head at the ultimate sorrow and loss that exploded through his shields. On the way, back up to the bridge, he stopped the turbolift, and tried to get Spock to speak to him. Sure, he was hurt by what Spock did, but he couldn’t help putting his own emotional hurt aside for Spock.

"Babe." He whispered, as his hands found their way to his cheeks, and his lips ghosted over Spock's. The Vulcan went tense, and then just like that he was pushing Kirk away, and yet not too far away. "I’m so sorry." Kirk whispered. The Vulcan shook his head.

"I must get to the bridge. We have to join the rest of the fleet." He said softly. Kirk let him go, but the sudden blinding anger was almost palpable as Spock turned to restart the turbolift. Kirk could feel his emotions, knew that he wasn’t unaffected by this. Knew that joining the fleet was a horribly bad idea.

"We can’t rejoin the fleet." Kirk said through gritted teeth as the turbolift opened to the bridge. He followed Spock onto it, and only until Spock reached the Captain's chair did he turn to face his love. Spock's own temper flaring into place.

"We can and we will, Cadet Kirk." The Vulcan said stoically. McCoy tensed, and took a step forward to offer help, but Kirk was taking a step closer to Spock.

"No, we cannot. Nero's next target is Earth. We have got to stop him."

"Logically, joining forces would be the best course of action." Spock replied. He didn’t understand why Kirk was fighting him. He was the commanding officer after all. "Stand down, or I will have security remove you." He said coldly.

"It will be too late by the time they get there!" Kirk started to yell. Spock ordered for security to remove Kirk, but he fought them and continued to argue. So, Spock Vulcan pinched his ass, and then sent him down to the closest planet. At least there, he would be safe. Safe from this fight, and safe from the chaos of emotions swirling inside of Spock.  
~~~~~  
Kirk could not believe what occurred in the hours following Spock forcing him to this deserted planet. Emotionally, he was wrecked, but still up and running because Earth needed him. Now he was staring into the aged face of his lover, after he was mind melded with. The old Spock was staring back at him with the same stunned silence. Then he was leaning in and kissing him. Kirk was startled, and jerked back from the touch of lips.

"My apologies." The old Spock whispered. "I am emotionally compromised, and seeing you is not making my emotions any better." Kirk just turned and started heading in the direction of the Starfleet outpost. He was caught between wanting to kiss those age weathered lips that matched his Spock's almost to the 't' and going into a panic attack. "It seems you are not faring any better." Old Spock continued as he followed him.

"No." Kirk said after a long time. "You... Uh, my Spock has not been very logical lately." Kirk said, finding his choice of terminology ironic.

"It would seem that he is trying to protect you." Spock stated. Of course, he knew everything from the mind meld.

"Yeah, well, he isn’t doing the best job of it." Kirk replied coldly.

"Sometimes logic is not the best course of action." Kirk stopped and turned to look at this old Spock in shock. "I am old, Jim, and I have known my Jim Kirk for a long time. He taught me many things about emotions. Not all of them bad." Kirk nodded and continued walking. This whole situation was simply insane, and truth be told, he wished it would end quickly, and Spock would stop being an ass.  
~~~~~  
As Spock's Vulcan strengthened fingers reached for him, he threw the bond open to Spock. He threw his entire essence into Spock. Not the panic, or fear of his stronger companion, but the eternal love, and adoration for him.

_I know you are hurting, my love. You are hurting, and you are doing the best you can with the cards you were dealt. But it is time to step back. Time to let my cards win this match of war._

_I didn’t save her._

_I know. We are going to kill the bastard, but I need you to give me control. I need you to let me handle it._

_I can’t have you hurt. I can’t lose you like I lost her. Suddenly, the hands dropped away from him. I was going to hurting you. I’m trying to protect you and instead I was going to hurt you. Devastation at the notion. Spock's sorrow was unbearable._

_I know. You lost control, and its ok. Its ok, because you just lost the most important person in your life. She was the reason you went to Earth. The reason that you met me. I understand, and it will be ok. I pushed your buttons, and it was my fault._

"I am emotionally compromised." Spock said, looking away from Jim, and sliding the walls of control firmly back into place. It hurt Jim far more than any physical pain. "I remove myself from captaincy." He walked to the turbolift with a stiffer back than usual. Spock was lost to him for now, so he took up the captain chair with as much confidence he could muster. It looked better on the outside than in felt on the inside.

"Mr. Sulu, set a course for Earth." He said calmly and with as much authority he could muster.

"Aye, Aye Captain."

~~~~~  
He went into Spock's room with his Captain's override. He wasn’t sure what he would find since Spock hadn’t allowed his walls down since before they killed Nero. In fact, Spock hadn’t spoken to him at all safe for a few regulation sentences. He found his lover seated on his bed, staring at the wall. He had fallen into that statue like figure that always made Kirk's heart ache.

"Captain." He said on a sigh. He didn’t move or turn like Kirk thought he would. He didn’t speak any further either.

"It's Jim. We aren’t on the bridge, Spock." Kirk said a little exasperatedly.

"Is there something I can help you with Captain?" Spock said in his usual monotone. It stung. Stung worse than him having to force Spock to be emotionally compromised. Maybe even stung worse than Spock turning him into the board.

"No. I guess not." Kirk said coldly. He turned and exited. Spock's face fell into his hands and for what felt like the millionth time he wept.  
~~~~~  
"Father!" Spock called out to the retreating form of an older Vulcan. The Vulcan turned around, and Spock was struck with a slight amount of vertigo. The face was his only it was old and wrinkly.

"No, I am not our father." Elder Spock said.

"You could have been the one to explain. Why did you make the Captain do that?" Spock asked, staring openly at what his face was to become.

"Jim needed to do that. You guys needed to bond as Captain, and First Officer. As it was, you still saw him as a cadet, and someone who needed to be protected." Spock's eyebrow rose high at that, and a very un-Vulcan laugh rang between them. "Jim gets himself into quite a bit of trouble. He'll need you to have his back, but he needs to make his own decisions. Otherwise he cannot be the Captain he is meant to be."

"My place is with our people. We must rebuild all that which was lost." Spock replied tightly.

"In this instance, we can be in two places at once." Elder Spock said with a smile. Spock wondered if he too would eventually show so much emotion. "I have lost my Jim, there is no reason for you to lose yours." Elder Spock said more somberly. "He has gone through so much in this time than he did in mine. It would be a shame for you to leave him. Find forgiveness inside yourself Spock. He would never have done that if it weren’t for the good of the universe." Spock bowed his head but didn’t reply. Did he forgive Jim? Logically, he did. Emotionally, not so much. But he was half Vulcan, and that meant he could control his emotions. This would be his ultimate test.

"Since my usual farewell seems self-serving, I’ll just say, Good Luck." With that said Elder Spock disappeared.

Spock boarded the Enterprise, and went straight to the bridge. When the turbolift chimed open, he walked up to the Captain's chair, and came to parade rest.

"Permission to come aboard as First Officer." He said. Kirk looked up into his face, and ignored everyone else holding their breath.

"Permission Granted, Mr. Spock." Kirk said, dismissing Spock to his post. "Let's get going, Mr. Sulu." Kirk continued. Nyota gave Spock a thumbs up from her post. He arched a brow at her. The easy part was over with. It was speaking to Kirk about his emotions later that was going to be difficult.

That night, he stood outside Kirk's door, and waited. He was nervous, and wasn’t sure where to start. Should he open the bond and see what was going on in Kirk's head? Or should he just knock, and see what Kirk said? His thoughts were interrupted by the door chiming open by itself. He stepped inside and found Kirk retreating to his seat at his terminal.

"I can tell your proximity even if you are closed off from me." Kirk said, not turning to look at Spock. "I was beginning to wonder if you were going to come in at all, so I figured I should just open the door."

"I have something to tell you." Spock said softly. He fell into parade rest where he was, and waited until Kirk turned to look at him. Something was stabbing into his heart, and he wasn’t sure what it was.

"Ok, then speak." Kirk said to his terminal. It was Kirk's neutrality towards him. There was no affection radiating from Kirk like usual, or the bright smile that always lit his day.

"It requires your full attention." Spock said. Kirk blew out a sigh, and shook his head. When he still didn’t turn around, Spock took a small step closer. "Jim." He said, hoping that would close the gap. It worked. Kirk turned around in his seat and looked up at him finally. Spock was surprised to find that he was extremely tired. His eyes were red and puffy, and the red veins popping out made his eyes an even more magnificent cobalt blue. "Have you not been sleeping?" Spock whispered. His heart constricted in his side. He knew why.

"Can’t have a Captain who scratches the shit out of himself in his sleep." Kirk replied venomously. Spock wanted to recoil, but didn’t. They were both at fault for their inability to be together right now. "What did you need to tell me, Spock." Kirk said after a moment. His voice was just tired now.

"Perhaps, discussing it at a later date would be better." Spock said in a monotone.

"Don’t do that!" Kirk shot up from his seat, fists raised. "Stop shutting me out! I am your goddamn boyfriend and your captain! You can tell me anything!" His voice was catching with a high emotion. Spock stood perfectly still, and didn’t move. His face gave nothing away.

"That is what I would like to speak to you about, Captain." The Vulcan said. His control was fully in place, and Kirk found himself honestly surprised. He was derailed from his anger however. It was replaced with loss. Spock was going to break up with him. "Regulations state that you as my commanding officer cannot engage in sexual congress with myself. Regulation also states that if we were in a relationship prior to your ascendance to Captain, that we may continue our relationship. Furthermore, there is the matter of Pon Farr." Kirk tried to absorb this information. Really, he did. It must have been a show for how tired he was though. What the fuck was Pon Farr? And was Spock breaking up with him? "Also, there is the matter of which I hurt you when we were still back on Earth."

"What the fuck is Pon Farr?" He managed to get out finally, not wanting to even touch the other question with a ten-foot pole.

"Every Vulcan male goes through a seven-year mating cycle. We lose all sense of ourselves, and all logic. We are ravenous beasts that know only that they must mate or die." Kirk scrubbed a hand over his face. Really??? What the fuck!? "I am believed to be spared due to my human lineage. I have already missed my first cycle by a year." Ok. Kirk was sure he was following now, but there had to be a point in Spock telling him this.

"Your point then?" He asked when it seemed Spock wasn’t going to continue.

"Two in fact. One, since the loss of so many Vulcan's, many males have fallen into Pon Farr early. This seems to be a biological need to bring our numbers back up. Second, due to your history with rape, I felt that you should know that I may also fall into Pon Farr for the same reason. Since I am bonded to you, you will be the one that I search out." Kirk whole world lurched, but Spock didn’t come to his rescue like he would have in the past. He sat himself back down shakily. He rode out the minor attack for a moment before replying.

"Why are you telling me all of this?" Kirk asked.

"Three reasons. First, if you wish to continue our relationship, Nyota, Sulu, Chekhov, and Dr. McCoy can testify that we were in a relationship prior to your ascension. Also, if you wish to remain in a relationship, I felt you should be fully informed about what could happen during my Pon Farr. Second, if you do not wish to remain in a relationship with me due to either of the listed reasons, then the bond between us can and will be removed. Third, if you do wish to remove the bond then I suggest that in the case if I fall into Pon Farr that you have security posted on me and shoot to kill if I try to get to you." Kirk's world lurched again. This time, Spock opened the bond just enough to flow serenity across the bond. Kirk took a few deep breathes before standing up and walking over to Spock. He ran his arms around to Spock's back and gripped his wrists. He found that Spock was clenching his fists together tightly, which is the only clue Kirk had to his emotional state. He laid a kiss on Spock's immobile lips, and looked into his eyes.

"I haven’t ever considered leaving you." Kirk whispered. Spock's eyes closed. "You are the one that’s been shutting me out for a while now." Spock opened the bond to him now, and allowed Kirk to flow over and into him. He was cool calm and collected. Nothing at all like the angry Spock from a few days before. His emotions were accepted, and filed away neatly like they usually were. "See there you are." Kirk murmured, and kissed Spock on the lips again. This time their lips lingered, and their tongues met in the age-old duel of lovers. "Mm." Kirk hummed.

"You are tired." Spock observed.

"Extremely." Kirk replied.

"You still have not told me what you think of Pon Farr. You will not be able to restrain me like you are now. Also, we need to discuss what happened on Earth." A pang of fear rose through the bond, making it's golden light inky. Kirk just shook his head.

"We'll have to start working on the whole sex thing then. And stock up on a lot of lube." He chuckled. Spock was finding no amusement however. He was scared that he would harm Kirk, or send him into panic attacks like the assaults Gary did. "No worries. You swore up and down that you would be unable to harm me. I trust you." Kirk's utter trust bubbled up through his fear, and turned the inky streaked golden pool into one of dazzling golden red. It looked like an oasis as the sun slowly dipped below the horizon on the planet of Vulcan. "As for what happened on Earth, I think what I did to you on the bridge cancels it out. We'll just call it even, but next time, give me a heads up the next time I am taking one of your tests."

"Affirmative. Come, let me get you to bed." Spock said after a long moment. Kirk released him, and stood by as Spock slowly undressed him. Once he was standing in his shorts, Spock retrieved his sleeping pants, and knelt to allow Kirk to step into them. He stood and wrapped Kirk into his arms for a long time, before releasing him and allowing him to climb into bed. "I will be right back Ashaya." Spock whispered before disappearing. Kirk stayed awake until his lover returned to the bed. He climbed In beside Jim, and allowed Jim free rein to how he settled himself. His Captain and Lover was soon asleep against him, and Spock just hugged him all the tighter to him.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Phew! Final Chapter! I hope you all enjoyed! Thank you for sticking with me this long! Happy holidays!

In the months following their take off from Earth, Spock and Kirk found a good rhythm to running the ship. Everything Old Spock had said was true, Kirk did get himself into a lot of trouble. For the most part, Spock was there to get him back out of trouble. On occasion it was McCoy, and when they arrived back on the ship Spock would bicker with him in his own Vulcan way. Usually McCoy would do the bickering and Spock would tell him how illogical he was, and Kirk would laugh.

It seemed to Spock that the ghost of Gary had finally dissipated into nothing. Kirk was always smiling, always had a good night’s sleep, and was always flirting with beautiful women. Spock was alright with this. Logically he knew that Kirk would return to the way he was prior to Gary. Of course, he didn't know Kirk before Gary, but McCoy didn't seem too surprised by it however. Life settled down to a continued routine, in which they would work their shifts, play chess, and do their own work. Spock's being of the science variety and Kirk's being mountains of paperwork. Sex was nonexistent between them even though they shared a cabin together. Kirk would always go into the bathroom to change clothes, and shower by himself. That was never an issue. Spock never forced him or brought it up. 

"It's almost upon me, my love." Spock whispered into Kirk's ear one night. Kirk shivered, and wiggled closer to his mate. "I have lost my appetite, and my behavior lately has been quite aggressive." Shame rose up through the bond, leaving Kirk a little confused. To him it was something natural, and he felt Spock shouldn’t be shameful of it.

"I know. You almost took Bones' head off this morning over a report." Kirk said softly. Spock could feel the smile twisting its way across Jim's lips. "Oh wait, you'd do that normally." Kirk chuckled at Spock's Vulcan version of a scowl.

"I would not." Spock said. Kirk chuckle erupted into full blown hilarity. "I fear for you." He continued after he waited for Kirk's laughter to die away. Kirk sobered, and rubbed his face against Spock's belly.

"It will be fine." Kirk said quietly after a long time.

"Logically-" Spock begun but Kirk interrupted him.

"Logically the bond will protect me." Kirk said sharply. He believed it with his entire being. Spock will go into Pon Farr, and Kirk will get himself fucked into oblivion for several days. He will not have a panic attack, and he will not feel violated or raped by the experience. If only Spock could believe it too. "Look, if it turns out I panic or whatever, then we'll have seven years to fix it." Kirk said in a frustrated tone. Spock gripped Kirk's wrists and let out a warning growl. Kirk looked startled, and gazed up into Spock's expression. Spock sat up, forced Kirk to scoot over a bit while he still restrained his wrists, and got up from the bed.

"Goodnight, Ashaya." Spock whispered over his shoulder before disappearing into his own room from their shared bathroom. Kirk looked down at his hands, and buried his face in them. Tears rose unbidden to his throat, and he cried himself to sleep.  
~~~~~  
The next morning, Spock reported to sickbay per Dr. McCoy's request. He sat stoically and allowed the doctor to run his tests. Irritation burbled inside him as the doctor continually gave him looks from underneath his lashes when he thought the Vulcan wasn’t looking.

"Is there something you would like to say Doctor?" Spock asked crisply. The Doctor in question finally met his eyes, and all he saw in them was anger.

"Yes, actually." McCoy said sharply, and abrasively. Spock bristled at that, and sent his Vulcan glare to the Doctor. "Why the fucking hell did you leave Jim alone last night?" The Doctor spat. Spock was momentarily derailed, because that was certainly not what he had been expecting the Doctor to be upset about.

"I needed some time to myself." Spock stated. His anger was seconds away from breaking loose, and it was taking everything he had to hold it in. McCoy looked momentarily derailed by that answer. Now that he was actually thinking about it, Spock did deserve some time alone too.

"You should have commed me." McCoy said more subdued now. He was chastising instead of plain being angry, but Spock shot up from his seat on the biobed. The doctor took one simple step back, but then stood his ground.

"It is not your duty to watch over my T'hy'la!" Spock snarled.

"It is when you need time to yourself." McCoy snarled right back. "He is getting a lot better, but when he feels a strong emotion then he falls back into his old routine and starts scratching the living hell out of himself! Does say, sorrow fit the bill!? What exactly did you do to him to make him so sad!?" Now, McCoy was pissed. He would have settled for Spock's reasoning. Everyone, Vulcans included, needs time to themselves, but Kirk was a special case. He would always be a special case, and Spock seemed to have understood that from the beginning.

"It is not your concern!" Spock shouted back. Vulcan's do not shout, but this time he let it slip otherwise he'd be strangling the good doctor.

"It is my concern! Jim needs someone who will care for him!" McCoy shouted back. Just then the door to Sickbay chimed open, and Kirk walked briskly into the room. He stepped in between the two, and his full attention was on Spock. Calmly, he took a step up to his enraged Vulcan, and ran his palms along Spock's cheeks and neck.

"Calm down, love." He whispered. Spock's gaze didn’t leave McCoy. His rage only increased at the close proximity of the male doctor to his T'hy'la. "Come on, let's get you to our room." He said, completely ignoring McCoy's protests. He wasn’t going to take sides, and the only reason he was here was because he felt Spock's anger rise through the bond. He handed the con over to Sulu and rushed down here to sickbay. Spock pushed Kirk behind him, and lead the way out the door without taking his eyes off the doctor. Once they were out the door, McCoy slumped against his desk, and took a deep breath. That was fucking scary...

Spock gripped Kirk's bicep and lead him down the winding halls into the turbo lift. Kirk merely submitted to being lead. Spock was obviously hitting Plak Tow by now. He was being aggressive and way over protective like he said he would. Kirk found it a little endearing, but if he was honest he was a little afraid what Spock might do. At that thought, Spock pressed Kirk hard against the side of the turbolift, causing Kirk to yelp in surprise.

"You fear me, as I told you, you would." Spock said sadly. Kirk could feel the bone deep sadness at the thought.

"No." Kirk whispered back. He tried to open the bond, and let Spock see what he was thinking. That he was afraid for Spock rather than afraid of Spock himself. The Vulcan was having none of it. He nerve pinched Kirk, and caught him before he hit the deck. He would not allow himself to scare Kirk anymore. He would certainly not rape Kirk. With what little sanity he had left he would protect his love from himself.

When Kirk came to, the bond was blown wide open, and all he could feel was the fever. Spock was in pure agony, and couldn’t-or wouldn’t-get to his mate. For a moment of pure disorientation, Kirk thought they were back in that warehouse. Kirk raped, and Spock unreachable. The thought almost sent him into a panic, but then he took in the room he was in. It was his, on board the Enterprise. I am James T Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise. I’m in love with Spock who is currently going through the Vulcan mating drive. Pon Farr.

As soon as his world was righted again, he stood up from his bed, and moved to the door of their adjoining bathroom. It wouldn’t open. He panicked again for a moment. He couldn’t get to Spock.

 _What did you do?_ He spat through the bond at Spock. The Vulcan's awareness stirred at his voice, but no answer came for a long time.

 _My beloved. I am protecting you from the monster inside of me._ The words weren’t that coherent, but that was what he meant. A small piece of him was still intact apparently.

 _Spock, unlock the fucking door._ Kirk swore at him.

 _I cannot._ Spock replied. He couldn’t remember why he wasn’t allowed to see his love, but he knew it was important.

_Goddammit, Spock! I will not let you die over this!_

_Protection._

_This isn’t protection, Spock!_ Kirk screamed aloud and in his mind. _This is torture! I can’t allow you to die just to save me from some bad dreams!_ He pounded on the door and when they wouldn’t budge he started to sob against it.

_You will fear me. I will cause you great agony._

_Can’t you understand how much agony I am in now?_ Kirk sobbed. _Having those panic attacks, are nothing compared to having to live with that. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. Please, open the door._

There was a long pause. Nothing happened. Spock's mind went blank, and Kirk knew that he put walls up on purpose.

He tore at the panel next to the door, and begun to hack into it. Not only did Spock lock them both in the different rooms, but he also garbled the coding. No matter how smart Kirk was, he wouldn’t be able to fix it in time. So, he did the next best thing. He created an emotional reaction.

He allowed the fever, and arousal of the Pon Farr to seep into himself. His cock stiffened, and a shiver ran throughout his body. He stripped naked, grabbed the lube out of the nightstand, and knelt in the middle of the bed. He snapped the bottle of lube open and smeared it onto his fingers. Slowly, he started to open himself. He moaned Spock's name, and called out to him through the bond. He had three fingers in himself before Spock took notice.

"I burn for you, Spock." Kirk moaned. His other hand fisted around his cock, and started to pump frantically. There was a snarl behind the door, and he could tell that Spock was pacing back and forth. "Can’t you see how hot I am for you?" Kirk called. "My cock is so hard, and I’m on the edge of coming."

"Mine. Your pleasure is mine." Spock said through the bond and out loud.

"Then get your ass in here, and take it from me!" Kirk yelled, his hands picking up speed, as he worked the last finger into himself. "I’m ready for you, Spock. All you have to do is come take me."

Spock couldn’t remember why he wasn’t supposed to go near his T'hy'la. He couldn’t remember why he locked himself away or what possessed him to do so. All he could think of was the way his love was getting pleasure without him. Letting him burn up, while he pleasured himself so tantalizing on the other side of the door. He threw his shoulder against the offending door without another thought. It groaned, but didn’t give way. He snarled at it, and threw himself against it again. Still it didn’t give way. Pissed off now, he dug his fingers into it until they bled, and pulled the thing off. He flung it across his room, and bounded in to his love. Kirk opened his arms, as Spock landed on top of him.

He didn’t think as he descended, and claimed that mouth as his. He punished his T'hy'la with bites on his tongue and lips. Making his mouth taste of iron and show redder than normal. Kirk cries were muffled underneath, and bit down hard on Spock's lips when the Vulcan took his cock into a punishing grip.

"You are mine." Spock snarled at him. He nodded weakly. "Your pleasure is mine."

"Yes." Kirk answered, looking submissively away. Spock started to tear at his clothes, and once they were shreds on the floor, he flipped Kirk onto his belly. He buried his face between Kirk's cheeks, and inhaled. His fingers demanded entrance almost immediately, and worked into him roughly. He cried out, and pushed himself back on them anyway. Torn between pleasure and panic. Spock moved his face to Kirk's lower back and bit at him.

"Who?" Spock snarled. His fingers were scissoring at him, and curling against his prostate in sweet torture.

"Who... What...?" Kirk got out. His mind was covered panicking more fully now at Spock's continued rough treatment of him. Spock was biting anywhere his teeth could, one of his hands was still gripping his cock to tight, and his fingers were not as gentle as they once were inside him. The bites were what was doing it. He'd be ok with just about anything else, but Gary used to bite him. Used to mark him everywhere so people would know of his shame. "Spock, please stop." He whispered, when his shoulder was bitten. He felt his stomach roll, and the room started to tilt drastically. The Vulcan didn’t react. He didn’t understand what was wrong. He thought that he was leaving marks of possessive love and adoration. Kirk tried to the open the bond, but Spock still was closed off to him. "Spock! The bond, please!" Kirk cried. He tried to roll out from Spock, but the Vulcan was too strong and too heavy.

His fingers suddenly vanished from inside him, and his cock replaced them. He pierced Kirk in one smooth thrust, and bit him again on the other shoulder.

Kirk could no longer see Spock. All he saw now was Gary. His vision pitched into darkness, and he screamed. He fought against the stronger being on top of him. Spock, not understanding what was happening in his fever hazed mind, gripped this lover hands behind his back to stop him. The human continued to fight. Didn’t he understand that his bond mate needed to do this? He reached for his mate's meld points, and forced himself into Kirk's mind. All he saw was Gary.

Gary! Gary, stop! Please stop!

Why was his mate thinking of another man? Spock thought angrily. He walked through the dark cloud and came upon Gary raping Kirk. He snarled, and pulled Gary off of him. He broke his neck, and took Gary's place.

The scene changed, and instead of having him in a dark cloud, they were now in a red box. Kirk was responding to him now. Not thinking Gary. Thinking only of Spock, and his need to mate. There was only the fever for the two of them now. Only pleasure. Spock took all his fears, and panics away, causing him the greatest ecstasy he had had in a long time.

_Spock no more biting please._

Kirk awoke the next morning. His cabin was dark, and he was covered in cum from both he and Spock. He was hungry, and thirsty. Since Spock wasn’t having sex with him, he figured that the fever abated for the moment. Slowly, as not to not awaken Spock, he crawled out of bed, and started for the drink replicator. Spock awoke as soon as he was a few feet from the bed. He jumped out of the bed, and grabbed Kirk's wrist. Kirk yelped, and tripped over himself to the floor.

"Don’t leave me." Spock said to him. He sank to his knees, and pulled Kirk against him. Kirk shuddered, and started to shake. He couldn’t even get a glass of water? "You can’t leave me!" Spock cried. Kirk pushed against him. He could feel his arms tightening around him, as if to suffocate him.

"Spock, stop!" Kirk screamed. He pushed harder, but the Vulcan wouldn’t let go. He could feel Spock's organ start to fill out again against his leg. He couldn’t take any more of this if he couldn’t even have a glass of water.

"I will not let you leave me." Spock snarled. He was moving Kirk now. Trying to get him where he needed him. Kirk threw open the bond, and let all his fear go into Spock. He needed Spock to stop, so Spock did. He released Kirk, and scooted away from him. He took a deep breath, and tried to control himself, while Kirk tried to calm himself down.

"I need some water." Kirk whispered. "Just a little bit of water." He said more brokenly. This was so hard. He was struggling between being ok and being not so ok. When the bond was open, it worked, but it didn’t seem to be consistently open ever since what happened on Earth.

"I’m sorry." Spock said from behind him. His voice was soft, and a little more controlled now. "The fever-" He started to say, but stopped himself, and stood. He gave Kirk a wide birth and went over to the replicator. He filled a glass of water, punched something else in, and then returned to Kirk's side with the water. He sat on the floor beside Kirk and gently lifted him into his lap. Kirk drank the glass down, and then rolled his head against Spock's shoulder. Spock's hand found its way to his meld points and seemed to delay for a second before he dipped in.

_I am scaring you._

_Yes. Why is the bond opening and closing? If it stayed open, then this wouldn’t be so hard._ Spock sifted through the bond a bit before coming to a conclusion.

_I believe when you start to panic about me your mind automatically closes me out._

_Stupid brain._

_I have made you some food._

_You are in need right now._

_Your need is important too. I am trying to stop scaring you, but I am finding it difficult with my current state._ Spock was slipping back into the fever. Kirk wasn’t afraid of it right now. He was too falling back into the fever along with Spock, now that their minds were linked wholly.

_I have an idea. Let’s get some fruit._

Spock's dick was all too happy with the idea that was formed in Kirk's head.

Spock brought the platter of fruit to where Kirk was seated in the middle of the bed. He handed another glass of water to Kirk, and then got to his knees in front of his lover. Kirk reached out and gripped his penis with a solid and sure hand. He quickly brought his lover to another orgasm before they went forward with his plan.

Once he was through his orgasm, Spock sat cross legged, and gently helped Kirk to straddle his lap. Together they settled Spock's organ into him again, and then started on the platter of fruit. Each time one of them ate a piece of fruit, they'd thrust or rotate hips. It was a slow building orgasm that was sweet and loving. It got interrupted once in a while by Spock's wandering brain function. Sometimes he would continue to thrust into Kirk, or his lips would take too much of his interest kissing Kirk. He melded with him as just as Kirk came, raining a second orgasm over him. He could not think for quite a long time after that.

"Perhaps now would be a good time to clean up." Spock whispered as he started to lick at one of Kirk's ears.

"Hm." Was all he got in response for a long time.

"The fever is abated again for the moment." Spock continued as he started to leave another hicky on Kirk's throat. Obviously, it wasn’t that abated. Spock rolled on top of him, and entered him again. Kirk shifted, and rolled them until he was on top. He was pleased to note that his lover allowed him to take control. Kirk braced himself with his hands-on Spock's stomach, and set a slow lazy pace. Stock's hands shifted from Kirk's hips to his arms. He used his stomach muscles to lift himself up, and drew Kirk into an embrace. He kissed his neck, his cheek, his nose, his lips, and anywhere else his lips could reach. Gently, Kirk pushed him back down flat, and leaned over him to suck on his nipples. One of his hands went around his cock to stroke it in time with his thrusts. Spock's hand found his meld points and they climaxed as one.

After a light nap, they finally found their way to the shower. Kirk stepped into the spray and groaned as the hot spray hit his sore body. His Vulcan stood outside the shower for a moment and simply watched as the water washed over his body. He took in the beauty of his human, and wondered how he had scored such a beautiful specimen for his mate. Logically, they shouldn't work at all as a couple but somehow they do. Kirk turned and his eyes met Spock's. He smiled, and again Spock was stuck wondering how this had all worked out.

"Hey Spock?"

"Yes T'hy'la?"

"Can... Will you mind meld with me for a sec? I want to check something out." Curious as to what his lover had in mind, Spock stepped into the water, and pressed his fingers against the mind meld points. Kirk's mind absorbed him like a sponge, and they found themselves back on that grassy hill that Spock had taken him to during a panic attack. The first time they tried to have sex. This time instead of a far off storm, the sky was bright blue and cloudless. Kirk and Spock stood shoulder to shoulder and gazed up at the brilliant bright blue of the sky. Then they turned to each other. Their eyes met before Kirk looked down between them. On the ground lay a golden rope that had been frayed, and broken in a few different places. Kirk dipped down, and picked up each end of the rope.

"Ah, just as I suspected." Kirk mumbled to himself. He tied the ends together in a square knot, and pulled it tight. He even tested it to make sure it wouldn't pull apart. Something shifted and opened between them. Everything just clicked into place, and slowly Spock realized that Kirk had fixed their bond. "Now it should work all the time." Kirk grinned at him. How illogical his human and their relationship was. But Spock was quickly learning that logic wasn't always the right path.

 


End file.
